Completely Unsure
When I started this blog, I meant to add it to the ranks of other interesting stories of D/s relationships. However, things do have a way of catching up with life and muddling up ones plans.
It’s seem to become more of a vent/amusement thing for me. Now I am considering shutting it down and starting a new one WITHOUT D/s intentions. Mostly because our dynamic has been up and down, and right now I’m not sure if it will exist again… or “us” for that matter.
As I sit here typing this I am sick to my stomach. Yesterday was all sorts of horrible and I simply don’t know what to think/feel/do about it! I’ll try to be as brief as possible:
My daddy, L, is on 2nd shift. So when I have long days at school I don’t get home before he leaves for work and don’t see him much. We usually spend at least a bit of time together when he gets home from work (about 11:30pm). Well yesterday was a collegiate day from HELL and I was exhausted. He called me on his lunch break as usual and we chatted for a while. RIGHT as his bell rang for him to go back to work, I told him I may be asleep when he gets home. He said (sounded a bit too excited) that his “friend” asked him out for a drink and if I was going to be asleep he would “meet him for a bit and be home”. Fine.. we said our goodbyes and I told him to have fun. I ended up not being able to sleep without him there and didn’t fall asleep until nearly 1 AM.
At 4 AM, my puppy woke me up whining to go out to potty. I realized that I was still alone… no L. Part of me was worried and part of me was annoyed. I took the pup out, checked for his car, and checked my phone. When he stays out late he ALWAYS texts me to let me know he’s staying out after he planned and when he will be home… No call, no text. I text him and get nothing back.
So at this point I am so worried I can’t sleep. I go and lay back down with all those thoughts of “what if” swirling around my head. Finally about 5:15 AM I hear the garage door. Knowing that he is safe but being angry, I closed my eyes and didn’t let on that I was awake. We have had trust issues in the past and I wanted to know what I was in for… Normally he climbs in bed, kisses my forehead, and snuggles up behind me. This time, he very carefully and quietly got in and made sure not to bump me or touch me at all.
With him home, I slept for the hour I had left until it was time to get up for class. Only having 3 hours of sleep so far made it easy to pass right out! In the morning I said nothing… just went to school as usual.
**Probably should give a little background… we have been together for 3 1/2 years. After we were together 10 months, he got a weird phone call one day and the next he simply didn’t come home until 4 am and I just knew something happened. I made a few phone calls and found out he had cheated. This was the night before (so technically day of) our first Valentine’s. We split up for 3 months. He proved himself to me and we got back together. Ever since, things have been really REALLY good… up until his shift change.. So maybe you can see why this freaked me out so bad. Also, the bars close here at 2 AM.**
I had a short day at school because a class got cancelled, so I got home long before he was supposed to leave for work. I left him sleep and when he woke up, I came back in the room, locked the door, and went to sleep myself (since I was so exhausted). I wouldnt’ speak to him and slept until he left for work.
He obviously knows he messed up because he told my DAUGHTER to tell me he is sorry! (way to involve the poor child…) He knows there is a reason I wouldn’t talk to him. I just want to know what is up.. but I don’t want to accuse without proof or make him work harder to cover his tracks.
I did grab his phone, but the last call that showed was me on his lunch. I obviously know that wasn’t the last call he made or received, because how would he have gotten ahold of his “friend” to meet at the bar? Also, all texts from yesterday (even including mine) had been erased… so no answers there.
The phone bill should come in about a week, so I should hopefully be able to check that out for peace of mind then. Other than that, what do I do? The friend he claims to have been out with I have never met.. and even if he did go out with him, where was he for the 3 hours after the bars all closed? Why did he not let me know what was up or answer when I texted him? This is allll too similar to the time when we split up.
I don’t know what to do.. I feel sick just thinking about what could be going on.. and I don’t know anything about this “friend”, where he was, who was all there… and there is no point asking him because I can’t know if it’s the truth or not. I do plan to eventually ask him what time he got home and see if he is honest about that. (not that it will do me much good)
I guess the time he cheated it was so easy to find out the truth from the girl that I really don’t know how to spot it now.. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and forget it? Do I confront him about it and hope he is honest? Do I pack his s*it tonight?? Or do I wait patiently and do a little “research”?
And yes… I know this is all very “un-sub-like” I really don’t care. Without trust and sharing, there can be NO D/s dynamic. So if I can’t trust him to at least be honest and somewhat careful of my feelings, how can I give him my whole submission? I can’t…
And this is not the first time. He’s been out til 3 and 4 a handful of times since his shift change. One time, we did talk about how worried I was and that is when he promised to text me if he was going to be very late. Usually I am sleeping and don’t get them til he is already home, but at least I know he tried. I usually try to let him have his “unwind” time and space, but this is too much… This is too much like history repeating itself and I don’t know what to do. I am sick about it all…
We are engaged.. I have paid to have my dress made.. we are making arrangements.. my daughter thinks of him as her father and calls him “daddy”. He is our world… and it feels like our world if falling apart in front of me and I don’t know what to do to stop it.
Sex and Sleep
The title basically explains all of my day Saturday.. well except for a few meals in there too.
Daddy and I are strange when it comes to our sex life. It’s always been a bit “off”, but it’s even worse now that we are on different schedules. We go in cycles almost.. one week (or a few weeks) we hardly do anything sexual in nature and then all of a sudden we can’t get enough and seem to make up for lost time.
Saturday was apparently an “on” day! We slept in (finally) and snuggled for the longest time in bed when we finally did wake up. Nothing at all happened in bed.. in fact nothing even remotely close. It wasn’t until Daddy got up to shower that things took a turn.
He was brushing his teeth at the sink and I was in a silly mood. I decided to joke with him a bit and play at a little brattiness for fun. I started giving him little swats on the ass when I walked by. He gave me “the look” and I just giggled back. I told him (jokingly, I love to play with him!) that I was thinking I should be domme for a day and give him a good spanking. “Oh you think so do you?”, he said. And that was it!
Next thing I know I was pinned against the wall of the bathroom. My nightdress came off in one quick rip and before I could catch my breath he had my hair in his fist and I was completely at his mercy. He turned on the shower and radio to make some noise and gave me a few good hard smacks. With a few quick movements he had my arm pulled behind me in a way that I couldn’t move or turn much without it hurting me and I was bent over the sink/vanity. He will never admit it, but he loves to watch himself “in action”! 
After bringing me way too close to the edge that way, he told me to get in the shower. Before I even had time to warm myself in the water he shoved me to my knees and gathered up a fistful of my hair again. Following closely the instructions given, I brought him to orgasm with my mouth. He returned the favor 3 times over before I begged to be able to catch my breath. When we go through a dry spell and then go at it with such intensity like that day, my knees go weak and I can’t seem to breathe steadily when I orgasm. And since it was multiple times, one after another, I was to the point that I was scared I would fall or faint!
Daddy helped me wash my hair and we got out of the shower and went up for breakfast. Everyone was gone and we basically had the house to ourselves for the day. Instead of doing the work that needed to be done, we napped and ended up going for round 2! (regular old bed sex with a touch of the usual hair pulling and forced fellatio)
Throughout the rest of that lazy, lovely day we did more of the same… watched a movie, snuggled in bed, teased, played, and loved each other. Right before we fell asleep for the night, we snuck in a quickie that was slightly vanilla. We don’t really get much into the pain part of BDSM.. it’s more about exerting power and mind games. We do LOVE bondage but that doesn’t happen nearly as much as either of us would like due to the time “prep and execution” take. We do spanking, riding crop, hair pulling, paddling… things of that nature fairly regularly (or we used to before the Pit disaster) but the way we really fit into the lifestyle mostly lies in who and what we are to each other. He is my guidance, my Protector, my master, my rock… my Daddy! And I am His girl.. his soft place to land, his “project”, his treasure…
Back to it..
College is back in session… and so with that comes the headaches, stresses, rushing around, and frustrations. It also brings back the feeling that I’m actually accomplashing something and reminds me that very VERY soon this part will be over and it will be time to get out there and really work!!
Yes, I still have my job at my beloved dust factory of a warehouse/antique store.. but it’s just a job and definetely not a career. Once I am done (in 8 1/2 short months) I will actually be starting my career. I won’t fully be done with school, as I still have another 2 years until I get my bachelor’s, but I will have enough education to start out in my chosen feild and I will likely start out making somewhat close to what Daddy makes now. So we will almost double our income.. which is comfortable.
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On the D/s side of things.. it’s a little fuzzy. We seem to be maintaining our roles, but the day-to-day rituals and rules aren’t so easy with my parents close by. Even my younger sister is to curious to let much slip around her. I stay respectful and make it known that Daddy has the final say and is in charge, but we have decided it’s not a good environment for any type of protocol or wearing my proper collars… those sort of things. We got lucky the other night and EVERYONE was out of the house, including Princess. That was a fantastic night! *naughty grin*
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We have decided to take my father up on his offer of staying through the winter. We tried 2 routes to home ownership, and our choices were spend nearly every penny on a mortgage and live crappily (I know that’s not a word… deal) or rent again. Needless to say after the Money Pit ordeal, I am absolutely petrified of renting. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust any landlord again enough to rent from them. I’m still waking up with scary thoughts about the Pit and the crazy bitch that owns it… eek
So we are here to stay for the next 8-9 months. We will be saving nearly all of our money since we are living so cheaply here and should have a massive down payment and MUCH better credit when the time comes to reapply for a home loan. Our credit is just a bit too low right now and they actually had the balls to say to my face that going to college was “hurting me financially”. Ummmm Ok? How is one supposed to gain the degree and skills neccessary to make a decent wage without college? I guess it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t kind of deal. But, by the time we are ready to reapply I will either be graduated or so close that they shouldn’t be able to use that against us anymore.
I guess I should have been born into one of those families where the parents coddle the hell out of their kids and give them everything on a silver platter. Darn luck!
So that’s about it.. havent’ been on the computer much lately due to the fact that I am crazy busy with school and was crazy busy cleaning up huge messes and getting ready for school. Princess starts preschool very soon, and next Thursday starts ballet and tap classes. Picking out her little dance outfit and tap shoes was such a fun day!!
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One more thing I almost forgot… I went down to visit my best friend Ben last weekend for his graduation from Cosmetology school. He felt much like I did about it.. he’s so burned out from the hectic schedule and crappy clients that he doesn’t even want to think about doing hair right now. He plans to take a few months off before he starts applying for jobs so he can get the fun and creativity back.
As much as a I love him, I suppose I should stop refering to him as my best friend now. He is my oldest friend, and I still love him to peices… but we have truly started drifting apart. I never want him out of my life, but I am to the point now where our lives are sooooo incredibly different it is hard to really relate to each other the way we used to. He is still very much like he was in high school… just a more mature and driven version. I am very much NOT like I was then.. almost all of my old ways have disappeared or been replaced by new ones.
So, I suppose it is time to accept the truth. I will still always love him for everything he is and was, but I suppose it’s time to admit we are very different people and just deal with that…
I am a Cheater…
I am in love.. deep, DEEPLY in love… and it’s not with my Owner.
Before you go off and think I am a terrible, awful, dispicable person/sub/girl you must know the object of my affection.
The building I work in. Yes, I am head over heels in love with a building.
When I was about 5 and my parents married, we moved into a house in a dinky town in Illinios. The town is so small that people stare at your car the whole time you are driving through it if you are visiting. Everyone knows EVERYONE and all their families, friends, and secrets. It’s a nice safe little town, but can be a bit boring.. Anyway, I am veering off course. When we lived in this town, we had a house that was built in the early 1860’s. I can’t remember the exact year right now, but it had one of those foundation bricks with the year in it. At the town library, you could look through archives of the old buildings and we actually got to see pictures of the house in the early 1900’s.. complete with a wrap around porch and the giant oak tree that is still there today. We got to look at pictures of a very stern-faced family and the children who were a tad blurred from not being able to sit still long enough. We saw a picture of the parlor, which was now our living room, with gorgeous (now) antique furniture.
I believe we stayed there for close to 5 years. My memory of my childhood is very blurry, so I can’t be 100% sure. I loved that house so much. I loved the old brick and it’s weather-worn feel. I loved the mysterious dirt basement which we were forbidden to go down into, but I just had to sneak to the bottom of the steps once or twice. I loved the giant heat grates that were plenty big enough for both me and my sister to stand over on cold winter mornings. I loved the ornate banister at the bottom of the wide wooden staircase. That house had real character… a real and intriguing story to tell.
Yes, there were times I was frightened. I knew there had been people die in there… likely in my very own bedroom. My childish mind conjured images of ghosts that seemed so real. To this day I don’t remember if I was awake and fantasizing or asleep and dreaming, but I know I strongly believed a little girl just about my age with curly brown hair and a light blue dress hovered ever near those scary basement stairs..
After my sister was born and grew out of her toddler years, we left that house for a bigger city and a brand new home. Yes, the heat was better. Yes, my room was bigger. Yes, the city was more “fun” to live in… but I still to this day miss that house and all it’s little charms and hidden secrets.
Now in my adult years, I am a sucker for the Victorian era houses that sprinkle the bluffs of our gorgeous riverside city. I dream of owning one someday and looking out from my attic across the entire town and over the river. I see myself sitting in the shade of an ancient oak, comfortably nesting on a padded wicker sofa, knitting away and watching my children chase the dog around our lush, green yard surrounding by detailed wrought iron fencing. If only I could transplant one of those gems onto some acreage in the country…..
And I’m off subject again.. Ok, back to the tale at hand.
This building is huge. H-U-G-E. I have worked here for 3 months now and I still haven’t even seen 1/2 of it! There are 6 stories. The bottom floor houses 3 businesses (antique store, imported furniture store, and a gym) as well as 3 offices. Imagine that times 6! It’s simply amazing. On the second floor is where I feel most at home. The part of the building we use goes in a big square.. and while it is VERY easy to get lost, if you keep making a right you will eventually find your way back! The downstairs where my desk, other businesses, and offices are holds a myriad of antiques… but upstairs is where the goods are!
There is 1/3 of a room of religous relics. We have pews and pulpits and pictures and stained glass. The rest of that room is furniture, set up into rooms “rooms” of all sorts. One room is all clawfoot bathtubs, gorgeous marble sinks, and other bathroom type structures. The next room is trim, windows, heater grates, cabinets, ornate radiators, staircases, and much more. Then we have the door room… over 2,000 doors. Doors everywhere! Exterior, interior, glass, 2 panel, 4 panel, 6 panel (whatever). Some with frames, some with amazing carvings, some painted, some stained, some bare..
Then another 1/2 of a floor that is more antiques and old furniture.. set off into sections. There is a place for tools, 50’s and 60’s peices, baby and children, kitchen, toys, and beds. If you want it.. we probably have some version of it here! There are odds and ends of all sorts. Every single time I venture from my desk and make my way up there I find or see something that I never knew was there. On a few occasions, I couldn’t resist taking one or two things home with me! 
If it wasn’t for the bats, creepy guy that lives in the basement (yeah.. dead serious), and “less than stellar” temperature control I could spend all day every day in here! It’s a beautiful place.
I am also very thankful the owner bought it up when he did. A HUGE chunk of our town in the warehouse district has either been left vacant to rot, tore down, or simply forgot about. Buildings are just not made like the used to be, and I believe strongly in preserving our past and the physical parts that are left behind. Even though the construction drives me mad some days, it is a comfort to know this gorgeous old warehouse is not sitting vacant to fall apart or be vandalized. They are restoring and reusing the building.. and as often as possible using building materials from here to do so. It’s a mesh of many things I love… antiques, recycling, and history.
Phew… when I made a pledge to churn out some positive posts, I had no idea what was in store for me. It’s REALLY super hard to be staying positive right now, lemme tell ya!
One nice thing about being stuck at dear old dad’s is that I am getting to “reconnect” with my baby sis. She is 14, there are nearly 11 years between us. I left my parent’s house at 15, so she was just a little one and I missed a big chunk of her growing up. When she was a baby, I spent a good deal of time with her, but since I left shortly before my crazy teen years, she doesn’t remember much of the time I spent with her back then.
Today, I took her back to school shopping and to dinner. She really is quite a spoiled kid as my parent’s have gone soft in their older years.. but what I thought may be torture ended up being kind of fun. She is in that snotty, goofy, awkard teen age.. but she did give me a few good giggles which I DESPERATELY needed!
I’m hoping my presence in the house will give her a good example to be more respectful to our parents and shape up a bit. She’s not a terrible kid, but she does have some mood issues and ADHD, which can be … umm… “trying” at times.
There have been a few rough moments, but all in all I think it will be OK.
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Tomorrow morning we have an appointment with a lady from our bank to talk about FHA First Time Homebuyers programs. I am literally petrified of renting after the last 2 bad experiences (this last one being the kicker) and even though I REALLY wanted to wait to buy until I was done with college, that is another 9 months from now and we can NOT stay here that long.. I mean we could but I may just officially lose my damn mind! I love my family, but I have been living on my own since I was 17 and this is just TOO weird…
So cross your fingers that we can get a loan that we can both afford and not end up in a shack in a crappy neighborhood. We are going to have a helluva time if we need to rent for the next year because of our puppy. The only places we have found so far that accept pets are either shitholes or they are in “questionable” parts of town that I refuse to let my daughter live in. It kind of sucks because we make too much to qualify for the “low income housing programs” that would make it easy for us to buy, but we don’t make enough to get a good deal from the bank. We were told we have nearly spotless credit, but my being in college and us not owning a home yet make our credit “limited”. I don’t really get how you are supposed to get started then… if they won’t give you a chance to build your credit and it’s considered “bad” and a liability to be in college… I thought education was a GOOD thing…
Whatev
Oh and one more positve thing.. I saw my doc FINALLY the other day and she prescribed a super low dose medication for my headaches. Turns out, I don’t have migraines after all… I have SEVERE tension headaches.. and tension is probably the cause of my chronic stomach pain too.
See, I told you I was stressed! Not making it up!! LOL
Escape from the Money Pit
So… In keeping with my pledge to churn out some positive posts and do some positive thinking, I give you this.. The way it starts out, you are hardly going to believe it’s part of the “at least 5 positive posts” but it is.. really… just wait.
Sunday morning, 6:42 AM, my puppy is FLIPPING out! I sit up in bed and wonder what the heck her problem is and then a hear it.. Rain.. really hard rain. The odd thing is it looked like the sun was peeking through the shades. So I draw back the blinds and sure enough, no rain. I ask Hunny what that noise is and while I throw a bit more clothing on he picks up the pup and gets ready to take her out for her morning potty.
As I’m searching for my flip-flops, I hear a loud “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?” coming from the living room. I run out to find a literal waterfall spouting out from our ceiling fan and rapidly spreading across the rest of the ceiling. The carpet was so saturated that water could no longer seep in and was simply pooling. The smell was horrid and in our futile attempt to catch some with a bucket, we found the collecting water to be a rather murky shade of BLACK.
While I ran about all hysterical-like repeating, “oh my god, what is happening, oh my god, this is NOT happening, this is NOT real”, Hunny got on the phone and left a rather calm (considering the situation) message to the landlord and then went upstairs and knocked on the neighbor’s door. (this is a duplex, we have the bottom, they have the upstairs) They had had a party the night before and were VERY hard to wake at 6AM. It took a while…
I scrambled for a camera and ended up having to take a short video with my phone before I found my digi and took 5 million pictures of the damage. Hunny shut off the water and it slowed down considerably. He got it down to a medium/steady drip instead of a flood.
Shaken, tired, and pissed off.. we all huddled outside so the neighbors and Daddy could smoke. I sat there ripping through my purse for a Xanax. I was shaking so bad I believe even if I was a smoker I wouldn’t have been able to hold the damn thing.
Daddy was on the phone with the landlord about 6-7 times before she agreed to come over. At first, she basically told us “you deal with it” in so many words… Well that was NOT going to fly! She finally hauled her wrinkly old ass out of bed and brought her son and friend over to shopvac the water out of our floors.
During their half-assed attempt at cleaning, I was sitting outside with my coffee in hand and ipod to try and soothe my poor nerves. Daddy was talking with the neighbors and checking what was happening. After only about 10-15 minutes of sucking up the water, the landlord comes out to where we were all standing and overhears our conversation about me not feeling safe having my daughter there, as the ceiling was bowing in some areas. She got about 12 inches from my face and butted her way into the conversation.
“Jeez, you are being a little overdramatic, dontcha think? It’s just water… I wouldn’t put any of your furniture back in there until you make sure nothing is going to happen, but you kid is safe there.”
Are you fucking serious?!?!? Protect your furniture but go ahead and let your 4 year old run around carpet soaked in sewage water with a ceiling that may start falling down in chunks?!?!? What a moron.
So I simply replied, “I don’t think it would be responsible of me to have her in there right now”.
Her reply? – “You need to grow up. This is life.. these things happen every day. Grow up!”
Yep.. she said that… right in my face. Too damn close to my face actually… And just to give a little background on this shit hole.. it looks fine at first glance, but in the 5 weeks we’ve rented it we lost power in TWO rooms (which still has not been fixed after 3 weeks), we had to spend 11 hours with 5 people painting and making repairs to be able to move it, there was no door on my kid’s bedroom, when the neighbors moved in one of their kitchen cabinets just fell off the wall, their back door is falling off the hinges, and their plumbing has been shit for nearly 2 months AND she’s (the landlord) known about all these problems before any of us moved in!
As far as her “grow up” rude little comment to me, I replied that I have lived in at least 12 houses in my lifetime… one was even built in 1863… and NONE of them have had the myriad of problems this little “gem” has.
When I walked in the house to get a drink, I overheard her telling her son her solution to this problem. “I’ll have the carpets cleaned in just this room, and then we’ll paint over the water stains on the ceiling”. So water is sitting in our ceiling and their floor and her grand idea is to “paint over it”. Riiiiiight.
I shake my head and go sit in the car… I can’t deal with any more of this. Daddy informs her we will be out no later than the end of the month. In fact, we ended up being out the next day… but there is more to that.
So she tries to get in my face again, Daddy intercepts, they dick around for another almost hour and leave. The son is nice as can be as always, and the landlord who has been all peaches and cream up until she saw we are getting disgusted with her storms off like WE did something wrong… cute. She makes sure to add that she took pictures of everything so we can’t “try to blame her for damages”. Obviously she doesn’t know the first thing about tenant/landlord law because if anything would have been permanently damaged, she wouldn’t be responsible for it anyway (our stuff, I mean). It would only be covered under renter insurance. BUT that kind of knowledge would require her to read and educate herself… Best part of all that snarkyness? We get in the kitchen after she left and her disposable camera (and who the hell uses those anymore?) was sitting there. It “accidently” got dropped in the garbage…. Oops…
Fast forward 24 hours… She calls up and tells Daddy she is having someone come in to look at the place. She asks him if that is ok, and when he says no please make it tomorrow, she says too bad and hangs up. For some reason she calls back and I pick up. I tell her no, we need the day to pack and get our things out before something else happens. With faulty electricity and water leaking, I don’t feel safe for ourselves OR our things. She tells me it is a City Inspector and he needs to come in to determine if the place is habitable or not (after telling me to let my baby run around in there). I tell her to wait till the next day. She says it has to be done within 24 hours and I have no choice. Fine, I tell her, but only the City Inspector.
So I go talk to our family friend who is a lawyer (after all, we signed a lease) and Daddy stays to be there when the Inspector comes. We need to be aware of what is going on. 10 minutes after the time the Inspector is supposed to be there, I get a call from Daddy saying she brought the construction worker in who built the garage and a video camera (so she lied to me because she realized she lost her camera). At that point they were upstairs, so I had him lock the doors and not let her back in. I knew what she was up to… she is trying to blame us and take the responsibility off herself. I called her cell phone.
When I got her on the line, I simply asked when the “real” city inspector would be there. She said she didn’t know what I was talking about and quickly hung up on me. 2 minutes later she called me back. Sitting there with my lawyer friend, I put it on speakerphone.
First, she tried to claim she never told me an inspector was coming. I said, yes you did, why did you bring a construction worker in to look it over? What is going on? She just kept repeating it wasn’t a construction worker. I said, yes we know it was.. he was there for 2 weeks building the garage. I asked again when the inspector was coming so we would know to be there. She said one wasn’t coming.. that they had told her it would take at least 2 weeks. So I calmly ask, “why did you lie to me? You told me they had to be there within 24 hours. What is going on Pat?” Her sharp and snotty response; “I will do what I want when I want. Call the city yourself if you want!” and hung up on me… All on speakerphone in front of a lawyer. I’m glad she’s a complete moron… if she causes us trouble in the future she has SOOOOO shot herself in the foot.
Her reasoning for bringing a construction worker in and filming it? She told Daddy that it was our fault the water leaked because we had our ceiling fan on… WHAT?!?!?! First of all, we didn’t have it on. It was kind of cold that night. Second, if we HAD what does that have to do with anything? A fan downstairs doesn’t cause a bathroom to flood upstairs. AND even if it did cause any problems, it’s HER house, HER fan, HER pipes. Why have a fan that cannot be used?!?! None of that made ANY sense… she is just trying to either scare us or pin this on us.. neither will work!
I was advised to no longer have verbal contact and not to let her in our apartment without a police escort. I left the lawyer with a paper stating when we would be out, that we were advised against verbal contact and any and all contact must be made in writing (so we have proof is she lies again). We signed it and Daddy gave it to her. She was there, upstairs, when I got back and she told the neighbors she was “afraid” of us and hid in her car with the doors locked or up in their apartment the whole time. I just laughed… it’s almost funny now.
As of that night, everything was out other than 3 peices of furniture. We have to stay with family since we obviously can’t get another aparment that fast. I am so scared of renting again that we are going through different processes to see if we can afford to buy. She has made no further contact since she got caught lying. She knows I have a lawyer helping me, and I made sure to say really loud when she was in the hallway about the police officer I spoke with who gave me his direct # and name in case she were to try and pull some shit again. We found she hadn’t cashed our deposit check yet, so we stopped payment on that check. The only possible thing she could do is take us to court to try and get that deposit money back… We don’t think that is likely since she would probably end up with a condemned apartment and paying more legal fees than she would get out of us. Our lease states that if the tenant leaves early, only the deposit is forfeited. Because of that statement, she cannot try to hold us responsible for the year’s rent.
I am left reeling.. I cannot BELIEVE the nerve of this wrinkled old hag… What a psycho bitch. While we were moving our things out, she even had her friend drive by slowly a few times to see what we were doing! Wierdo…
Now here’s the positive part… In all this, Daddy has re-found his Dominance. He took charge when things were falling apart. He literally ordered me NOT to get another job to help us buy a place. He also ordered me not to go part time in school to be able to work more. He is pretty much on the ball and helping soooo much more than he has been. I have fallen in love all over again!
Also, waking up to a waterfall IN your home and then moving nearly everything you own in about 6 hours makes you realize there are worse things that can happen. It showed me that the little problems I have been dwelling on and making into mountains aren’t nearly as important or substantial as ALL the good things I have! I have a sweet baby girl, a darling pup, a WONDERFUL Daddy, and a family willing to take us in (and all our crap) with barely a moment’s notice. AND everyone is working together to help us find a new place to live.
I really do have allot to be thankful for!
****** that landlord’s name is PAT FELDERMAN, she is basically a slum lord in disguise. They rig stuff up so it looks safe at first glance, but will fall apart shortly after. We have since been told in 10 years there have been 14-15 people in and out of that place for similiar reasons. She claims to have not known there were electrical and plumbing problems, yet she has owned that house for 25 years… she knew.. she chose to decieve***********
Positively positive!
I really did not set up this blog to bitch, moan, and whine… I really didn’t have that intention, though looking through my posts you really couldn’t tell.
So I am forcing myself to write at least 5 positve posts in a row before I will allow myself to wallow in self-pity again.. I’m hoping this will work along the lines of the positive thought theory.
In all reality, I feel awful physically and mentally. I am struggling more right now than I have in about 2 – 2 1/2 years. I thought I was past all this nonsense and had the mess that is my life under control… I was wrong.
BUT, dwelling on all the negatives and bad feelings really isn’t helping much. I have my journal for the bits and peices I need to get off my chest.. and I’m determined to stop bringing everyone else down. (or at least the few people who read this)
So there.. so here.. positively positive thoughts and posts only for at least the next 5-7 days.
Wish me luck!
I don’t know
So I made it through typing up that blurb about my agoraphobia and anxiety disorder.. I waited until a few others ladies had spewed stories of suicidal thoughts and depressive episodes. I suppose I could have jumped on that wagon and told about my suicide attempt (the second, serious one), but I decided that since the furthest any of them got was driving to the area and sitting in their car thinking, I may freak them out with the handfuls of sleeping pills and stomach-pumping story… just a tad!
But anyway.. I got through it. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. As I get older, I am less and less ashamed of my problems. I am starting to be of the frame of mind that as long as I am taking steps to correct my issues, they aren’t something to feel badly about. And so far I haven’t got any “you’re wierd” comments.. Just a few ladies saying “thanks for sharing your struggle” and general niceties like that.
~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~
In other news… I almost left today. I almost left my fiance… Probably not for good, but I actually started packing my things and a few of my daughter’s. I am just so damn sick of feeling alone… living much like I was as a single mom… and even though Darling is in many ways the same person, his actions are far from what they used to be.
And I don’t like it one bit.
But.. of course I stayed. I swore that the only way I would leave this one is if he were to abuse or neglect me or my child (or future kiddos) in ANY way, or if he were to cheat. If he were to pull one of my ex’s tricks on me and refuse to work or support the family.. that may be a deal breaker too. But just plain being a bit more lazy and less “there” for me doesn’t fall under that list.
My days of serial monogamy need to be behind me. I can’t just run from a relationship at the first sign on unpleasantness like I have in the past. We have been through much more in the past and survived.. and I know this will pass as well. I am just already very sick of waiting.
I also feel guilty for the pain I have caused Darling. Twice now I have reduced him to begging me.. begging me not to leave him, not to drop our dynamic (even though I feel he beat me to the punch on that one). It’s not very becoming of a Dom.. but I know that I am the one who pushed him to do those things. I know he loves me more than anything in the world and it hurts him to see me unhappy. But that’s exactly what I am… unhappy.
The house we rent is falling apart, I am overy stressed trying to deal with more responsibilities than I am used to, next semester is rapidly approaching and I have been told these last two semesters are the WORST… and through all this I feel alone. When Princess is awake, we do anything and everything I can think of from visiting family and friends to craft projects to fill the time. Once she is tucked away in bed for the night, the ache hits me… and it is relentless.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I sit here and think myself into a sickness.. If I try to get up and do something productive (cleaning, baking, etc) I end up getting so frustrated with the task at hand I wind up worse off than if I would have sat alone with only my thoughts.
And of course, all I can think of is our relationship. Where it went… when it will come back… am I doing enough… am I doing too much… is there someone else… should I seek a Mistress to fill the void… what would that do to our future… should I stop planning this wedding… what if things are always this way… do I love him enough to stomach this forever?!?!?
All I know is….
… I don’t know.
the storm passes
Yesterday was a bad day… a BAD day. I spent most of it in bed or else storming through my house wanting to kick or throw everything that doesn’t breathe. I tried to calm myself with work. I tried to dye two skeins of self-striping yarn… NEVER again will I do that!!! Sheesh.. I ended up with two balls of tangled-up mess and me on the floor in the middle of it all in tears!
Those tears were good tears though. Not happy tears.. just good tears. I really needed to get them out. They have been building back there for quite some time.
Hunny and I fought… and we don’t really fight anymore. But it finally happened. I knew it was coming. Afterward, I seriously considered taking a bit of a break and staying with family for a bit. I’m still considering it. Not taking a break from our relationship… just spending some time apart to clear my head. I do NOT want to leave him… that is not even close to being an option. He hasn’t done anything that wrong!
Then the storm came.. I was sitting in bed and started to feel faint. I got that jittery, oh my gosh I’m having a heart attack feeling. All at once I couldn’t decide if I was going to faint, throw up, or scream.. I hate that feeling. So I tried to calm myself down and realized I hadn’t eaten yet. I tried a few nibbles but food just didn’t seem appealing. Then it hit me.. I hadn’t taken my meds in a few days. A few DAYS.. not that I was late or missed one day… dayS plural. I just can’t quit anything cold turkey. My system doesn’t handle that well.
I dug around and found one half pill left. I took it, and forced down some food so it wouldn’t upset my stomach more. I laid back down and listened to the developing thunderstorm outside.
That was it.. well, that was a big part of it. I was feeling so whiny, frustrated, and sick and a big part of it was that my body was not happy with me for slacking on my meds. I can live without them, but not just stopping cold turkey… that does NOT work for me!
As the storm passed, so did my tears and icky feelings. When the rain was nothing but a drizzle on the windows, I got myself up and started knitting. It’s amazing how calming that was last night. The fluid motion of my hands seemed to steady my heart beat and calm my pounding head. The intricacy of the stitches forced me to concentrate on the task at hand.. effectively pushing all the negatives out of my mind. I was still.. I was me again.
I woke up this morning refreshed. I am still dreading typing out that discussion assignment for Psych, but I just keep telling myself I just need to get it over with. If it makes me cry, so what? The release is good for the tension in my body right now.
It’s all going to be OK someday… the problems with Hunny, the stresses that invade my everyday, the internal struggles, life’s little helpings of bullshit…
Every storm passes eventually
Ouchies.. this is gonna hurt
Maybe I am more of a dirty little masochist than I thought I was!
Instead of taking the summer off from college and giving my poor head a break, I decided to push through and take on two courses to lighten my load for fall semester (which is rapidly approaching, btw). The one that has been giving me trouble is Psych. You’d think I wouldn’t have a problem acing the class considering I whizzed through the “hard” classes like Anatomy & Physiology II, or Pathophysiology with one of the highest class scores… you would think something simple like Psych would be a walk in the park.. Though it’s entailed little hard work and studying, my grades have been some of the worst! (Granted, a B is bad news for me.. dang perfectionism)
So now the course is coming to an end. 3 more assignments, one paper, and one more test and I will be able to wash my hands of this nuisance. Well… and this last discussion. Eek..
As our last discussion topic, we have to discuss how stress or mental health has impacted OUR lives personally. At first, I was going to write up a bit about my birth mother’s bi-polar disorder and what a “treat” that has been to live with…. but then I found out it has to be about MY life. What I have gone through or struggle with currently.
So… where to start? How about the time when I was 18 and unplugged my phone, barricaded my door, and swallowed 43 sleeping pills? Nah.. I don’t really feel like going into the hairy details of THAT one. Hmm… how about the various therapists and drugs I have gone through since first being put in therapy at the ripe ol’ age of 5? Nah… too long and boring. How about the fact that I repressed so much and distorted so much that I have precious few REAL memories of my childhood… Nah.. I’m still not positive of what I really know and what I think I know.
So what then? What will not be too embarrassing to spill to people I will likely have to cross paths with for this last year of college? I suppose I will try and (without exposing too much) talk about my panic and social anxiety disorders. After all, those aren’t embarrassing things I have done or had done to me.. they are “diseases” that I cannot help. So I guess I shouldn’t be too ashamed of them.
But I can already tell, this is gonna hurt! Even when I start venturing into sad and scary parts of my life in conversation, I tend to force a smile or giggle and play it off like the past doesn’t haunt me everyday.
If you need me world, I’ll be in bed most of today. I can already tell this damn assignment is going to take allot out of me…
