Daddy’s true colors
I fell in love all over again with Daddy last night!
Because we were busy signing papers and getting things in order with the new car, we missed a good chunk of the things on our “to do” list yesterday. One of those things was a baby’s 1st birthday party. It was from 1 to 5, and by the time we got there it was already 4 and most guests were gone already. Daddy felt bad (and so did I) so we agreed to come over to our friend J’s house later that night and hang out with everyone we had missed by being late.
We get there around 9 PM or so, and there are quite a few people there. The mom of the birthday baby, J’s sister T, had a new boyfriend there with her. Apparently, he is from out of state and has no job. They met over the internet and she bought him a bus ticket here and back so he could visit her. That already didn’t look good…
We got to talking with everyone and this guy, we’ll call him Chase, kept making really odd and out of place comments. At one point, he picked up a poker from the fire and was whipping it around like a kid would with a toy light saber or something. Wierd… Our friend J said he had been like that all day and just plain wouldn’t shut up. He butted into people’s private conversations and said the most inappropriate off-the-wall stuff!
T and Chase were already telling each other they loved each other and talking very openly about sex… and this is in front of T’s brothers and mom!! All seemed fine, other than being a tad uncomfortable, until T wanted to go home. She secured a ride for her and Chase, and motioned for him to come with her. He just looked at her with this pissed-off stare and ignored her.
“C’mon. Let’s go. I got us a ride” she said to him.
Apparently, that seemingly innocent call was threatening to Chase. He started yelling at her that he wasn’t her “bitch” and would not “come when called like a dog”. He threw a hissy-fit and freaked out on T for at least 20 minutes. Finally, T went with her uncle for a bit and we were all stuck with Chase. The annoying comments and strange behavior kept up. We left the bonfire to go inside to get away from him for a bit. One by one, other guests were coming inside all shaking their heads and expressing their annoyance with this kid.
The two final straws came close together. I could tell Daddy’s anger was brewing after Chase made that scene with T about leaving. Shortly after, he sat down with T’s mom and began explaining why he yelled at her and saying disrespectful things about T, mentioned their “sex life”, and kept repeating that he loved her but he was going to be the one in control.
Daddy was clenching his fists at this point.
As our friend from Mexico and J came back to the fire, Chase shot off two off-color comments. The first was something about “jumping the border fence” to our imigrant friend who is working toward citizenship right now. The second was making fun of J who had just had surgery.
That was it! Chase said something about not taking him seriously when everyone got quiet after his last 2 rude comments. Daddy stood up and got withing about a foot of Chase’s face. He raised his voice and told him that if he didn’t want to piss people off, he’d better “shut his fucking mouth right now”! He went on to tell Chase that if he EVER heard him talk like that to T, their mom, or any of this friends again that Chase had better start running because Daddy wouldn’t be far behind!!
It was a bit silly that it had to come to that, but Daddy had only said what everyone else was thinking. Daddy and J grew up together and they are like family. Daddy thinks of T as a sister and he wasn’t about to let anyone disrespect her or “mom” in front of him. After that, the kid didn’t open his mouth to anyone but T the rest of the night. They left shortly after.
It was soooo incredibly sexy to see my Daddy show his Dominance and dedication to friends and family. He stood up and did what everyone there had wanted to do, but didn’t have the “guts” for. It was amazing…
Afterward, I gave him a huge hug and whispered in his ear how proud of him I was. I later told him when we were in the car alone that if it was possible, I now loved him even more than before. I told him he was a strong man and how impressed I was at his growth. When we met, he was strong.. but he held that strength inside and often let people walk all over him. Since we have started developing a D/s dynamic, Daddy has felt encouraged and safe to express himself and his strong side. It’s refreshing to see that he is no longer afraid of standing up for himself or the people he loves.
Waiting..
I’m waiting up for Daddy to come home.. I have missed him WAY too much lately and even though I have to work tomorrow I am determined to get some alone time with him tonight.
I skipped a class today.. To those that know me, that is kind of a little shocker! I got up at 6 and went to my first class; Comp II. Composition is so NOT stressful, and I had to hand in my Peer Reviews and go over people’s papers with them. So I felt guilty not going to that one. Especially after my instructor kept me after class last time and talked to me about how “impressed” he was. I didn’t want to make him sorry for saying that.
So, I went. I got to help the lady from Namibia re-do her paper and heard comments on my “Jesus and John Lennon” paper. It went well and I left feeling good about things..
The class I skipped was supposed to come after that – Advanced Coding, ICD-9CM – NOT fun and very stressful. I really needed a break from the awful coding classes that seem to drone on and on and on and on… Anyway, I have been getting 5-6 hours a sleep each night (when I am used to 7-8) and I’ve been doing an average of 6 hours of homework a night. This is in addition to potty training my dog, taking care of my daughter by myself, and running her to dance and preschool and tumbling… I was exhausted. So class got out at 9:30 AM and I came home and climbed back into bed. Daddy was SO happy to see me home unexpectedly and snuggled me to sleep. I woke up shortly before it was time to pick Princess up from daycare, feeling a heck of a lot more rested and happy!
But, sadly that was not enough. A few stolen hours of snuggling and a quick sub lunch just wasn’t enough time with my Daddy. I miss him like crazy and I feel like we never see each other. It doesn’t even feel like we live together when we are on such completely different schedules! And it’s not like we’re in that honeymoon phase where we have the butterflies and need to be together 24/7, but I still have this need that just rips at me if I don’t have enough time with him.
He called me on his lunch break like he always does. I was unfortunetly away from my phone, looking up car reviews. (He’s buying me a new car this weekend!!) So I missed his call. He did leave a message and said that he has “news” for me. Since this “news” popped up while he was at work, I am REALLY hoping (all fingers, toes, and otherwise crossed) that it means he’s getting on a different shift.
Oh please, oh please, oh puleeeeeze!
The good, the bad, and the superbad
To start out on a positive note, I finally decided to take the advice of many of my oh-so-wise friends and give talking a chance. At this point, I am very glad I did. We ended up having several talks, and I made sure to tell him EXACTLY how I felt about him staying out all hours and what I assumed and was concerned about.
So finally I broke down. He had thought the whole time (nearly 3 days of me not talking to him) that I was simply upset that he had been out so late. He had no idea was I had expected and worried had happened. When I told him what I was worried about, he took me into his arms and held me so tight. He asked me to look him in the eye and told me that would NEVER happen. He offered to call all of the people he had been there with that night and talk to them on speakphone about it to ease my mind. Something in the way he was speaking and his absolute lack of excuses made that I-just-know-he-cheated feeling leave the pit of my stomach. I started feeling better. I told him no, I didn’t need to talk to his friends.
I still had a few doubts about the things that were odd to me. I asked him very specific questions and even though I could tell he felt bad admitting to some things, he did so openly. I was careful not to chastize him too hard since he seemed to be very forthcoming and honest with me. I asked him about not showering, the missing text message, why he had no phone calls on his phone from that night… everything he said made complete sense. It now seems I was reading wayyyy too far into things.
I told him even though I felt I could believe him, for my own peace of mind I was going to check the cell phone records from that day and the past month or so. I told him as kind of a test to see how he would react. He didn’t get upset, didn’t act like I was invading his privacy… he simply told me I had nothing to worry about – BUT if I felt it would ease my mind to go ahead and go through anything I felt neccesary and he would tell me who the number was and even call them on speaker so I could be sure he wasn’t lying. He has been very willing to let me check out any and all of what he told me. He said it wouldn’t bother him at all for me to check his phone records… he had nothing to hide.
Comparing this behaviour to the way he was when I actually did catch him cheating way back in the beginining, I could tell this time he wasn’t making a million excuses, downplaying his actions, or trying to cover things up. He wasn;t gettting defensive in the least. I have cheated and I have been cheated on. I know the pattern and the behaviors that come out when someone gets caught. I saw none of them from him.
We did agree that 2:30 was a reasonable time for him to be home from now on. If he will be late, he will call or text me. Though, he promised to try very hard to stick with that time and never come home aroung 5 am again!! Seeing as he doesnt’ get off work until 11:30 pm, and the bars close at 2 am, we thought 2:30 was an agreeable time.
For now, we aren’t moving too quickly with the wedding planning. There are obviously trust issues that need to be sorted out before making such a huge commitment. I can’t go my whole marriage with these horrible twinges of doubt everytime something happens out of the ordinary. Hunny understands this completely and has said that he is open to pre-marital counseling so we can get a professional opinion about if our relationship is ready for the big plunge or not. I think alot of this has to do with my getting burned so bad in my first marriage and my fear of history repeating itself!
Thank you all for listening and giving your feedback. I am not a stupid girl and would not stay with a cheater or trick myself into believing he’s changed if he really didn’t. Please feel confident in my ability to read my Man. I will likely still check out the phone reports… if for nothing else but to give myself 100% peace of mind.
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And now, the bad… and the superbad. Daddy’s car is useless.. It had been overheating so he took it to the local Midas to get fixed. $560 later he came home with a car that seemed to be working. In a short (about 5 mile) trip to his sister’s house, it overheated twice. We took it back to Midas and they “fixed” it again. This time, it didn’t even make it home. Whatever they did seemed to mess it up more. Now, everyone is pretty convinced it is a head gasket, which basically means we either go in debt fixing the damn thing (right this time, no more Midas) or we have to buy a new car. This $5,000 car was not the best of course, but it only lasted about 10 months!! That is ridiculous. My $600 hunk-a-junk has lasted nearly 2 years now!! And it’s still going strong.
So we have to buy a new car. Kind of a “yay”, but not really considering that we are supposed to be saving up for a house and wedding. I don’t know how we are supposed to be putting the money away that we need to be when everything keeps falling apart on us! First the house and now the car…
Oh, and my table too! Daddy decided he wasn’t going to wait for me to go through our things in storage. He was so proud of himself that he found what we all were needing and condensed the amount of space the boxes and furniture took up. I was proud of him too… until I saw what he did! He did NOT get anything out that we needed - I needed Princess’s new winter clothes and he got out last years too small clothes, I needed my nail polish so it won’t freeze and he got out a bag of acrylic powder and files, I needed coats and boots and mittens and he got out a few hoodies – and on top of forgetting nearly everything we needed out, he piled a HUGE amount of crap on top of my GLASS kitchen table and the poor thing shattered under the weight.
So now we no longer have a house, a car, or a kitchen table…. whats next?
I swear sometimes I must have been a serial killer in a past life.. I seem to be paying for some awful crime I don’t remember committing! My Karma just sucks.. plain and simple. There is no other way to put it.
Also, I am completely bogged down with homework. We were warned by our counselor and teacher, as well as last year’s graduating class, that this semester would be the worse of our college careers. I assumed it would be harder and busier, but I had no idea what I was truly in store for. I NEVER skip classes and I OBSESS about my grades… well 3 weeks into this semester I already want to hide under my covers and ignore my mounds of homework!
I am buuuuuurned out.
Oh FUCK…
He bought me flowers… really pretty roses.
I am in trouble.. big time. This is only the third time he’s gotten me flowers. The other two were for an anniversary and valentines. He’s not a flower-giver. So these are seeming to be sorry-I-really-fucked-up-bad flowers. He wouldn’t go that far out of his way just because he was out late.
Something is up… and I don’t know what.
Everyone has said “talk to him”. Well I can’t.. I tried a few times, but the minute I look at him I get this sick feeling in my stomach – like the knowing will be worse than not – and I just can’t. In fact I think I have said maybe a dozen words to him in the past two days and those were spoken only to answer something he asked me.
This could be all me reading too deeply into things. This could be simple paranoia. This could all be one big misunderstanding and I am driving myself crazy for no reason.
BUT, just the fact that it is bothering me this badly speaks volumes to me. I’ve decided to postpone all wedding planning for the time being. If the dress is a loss… oh well. It can be a crazy expensive Halloween costume or something… but I’m not paying deposits for anything else or making any new arrangements.
I just don’t know if we are going to work out. I love this man more than I can possibly express in words. He is “daddy” to my daughter (been with me since she turned one), everything to me, and a friend to nearly all of my family. Even my sister who is convinced all men are cheating scum told me, “I just couldn’t see (him) doing that to you! I think it’s a misunderstanding.”. And she could very easily be right. But how am I supposed to live a happy life and maintain a healthy D/s dynamic, let alone marriage, with such a striking lack of trust?? If I get sick for days and can’t sleep when he is out too late without calling, what is the rest of my life going to be like? Will I be questioning his every move? Will I drive myself insane with all the unanswered questions and suspicions? Will I drive HIM insane with all the seemingly unfounded doubt and accusations?!?!?
I want to marry him… I want to make this work… I really just want to be His girl – happily.
I really just want to be able to TRUST!
… but I don’t (and I don’t even know if I can anymore)
Sex and Sleep
The title basically explains all of my day Saturday.. well except for a few meals in there too.
Daddy and I are strange when it comes to our sex life. It’s always been a bit “off”, but it’s even worse now that we are on different schedules. We go in cycles almost.. one week (or a few weeks) we hardly do anything sexual in nature and then all of a sudden we can’t get enough and seem to make up for lost time.
Saturday was apparently an “on” day! We slept in (finally) and snuggled for the longest time in bed when we finally did wake up. Nothing at all happened in bed.. in fact nothing even remotely close. It wasn’t until Daddy got up to shower that things took a turn.
He was brushing his teeth at the sink and I was in a silly mood. I decided to joke with him a bit and play at a little brattiness for fun. I started giving him little swats on the ass when I walked by. He gave me “the look” and I just giggled back. I told him (jokingly, I love to play with him!) that I was thinking I should be domme for a day and give him a good spanking. “Oh you think so do you?”, he said. And that was it!
Next thing I know I was pinned against the wall of the bathroom. My nightdress came off in one quick rip and before I could catch my breath he had my hair in his fist and I was completely at his mercy. He turned on the shower and radio to make some noise and gave me a few good hard smacks. With a few quick movements he had my arm pulled behind me in a way that I couldn’t move or turn much without it hurting me and I was bent over the sink/vanity. He will never admit it, but he loves to watch himself “in action”! 
After bringing me way too close to the edge that way, he told me to get in the shower. Before I even had time to warm myself in the water he shoved me to my knees and gathered up a fistful of my hair again. Following closely the instructions given, I brought him to orgasm with my mouth. He returned the favor 3 times over before I begged to be able to catch my breath. When we go through a dry spell and then go at it with such intensity like that day, my knees go weak and I can’t seem to breathe steadily when I orgasm. And since it was multiple times, one after another, I was to the point that I was scared I would fall or faint!
Daddy helped me wash my hair and we got out of the shower and went up for breakfast. Everyone was gone and we basically had the house to ourselves for the day. Instead of doing the work that needed to be done, we napped and ended up going for round 2! (regular old bed sex with a touch of the usual hair pulling and forced fellatio)
Throughout the rest of that lazy, lovely day we did more of the same… watched a movie, snuggled in bed, teased, played, and loved each other. Right before we fell asleep for the night, we snuck in a quickie that was slightly vanilla. We don’t really get much into the pain part of BDSM.. it’s more about exerting power and mind games. We do LOVE bondage but that doesn’t happen nearly as much as either of us would like due to the time “prep and execution” take. We do spanking, riding crop, hair pulling, paddling… things of that nature fairly regularly (or we used to before the Pit disaster) but the way we really fit into the lifestyle mostly lies in who and what we are to each other. He is my guidance, my Protector, my master, my rock… my Daddy! And I am His girl.. his soft place to land, his “project”, his treasure…
Back to it..
College is back in session… and so with that comes the headaches, stresses, rushing around, and frustrations. It also brings back the feeling that I’m actually accomplashing something and reminds me that very VERY soon this part will be over and it will be time to get out there and really work!!
Yes, I still have my job at my beloved dust factory of a warehouse/antique store.. but it’s just a job and definetely not a career. Once I am done (in 8 1/2 short months) I will actually be starting my career. I won’t fully be done with school, as I still have another 2 years until I get my bachelor’s, but I will have enough education to start out in my chosen feild and I will likely start out making somewhat close to what Daddy makes now. So we will almost double our income.. which is comfortable.
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On the D/s side of things.. it’s a little fuzzy. We seem to be maintaining our roles, but the day-to-day rituals and rules aren’t so easy with my parents close by. Even my younger sister is to curious to let much slip around her. I stay respectful and make it known that Daddy has the final say and is in charge, but we have decided it’s not a good environment for any type of protocol or wearing my proper collars… those sort of things. We got lucky the other night and EVERYONE was out of the house, including Princess. That was a fantastic night! *naughty grin*
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We have decided to take my father up on his offer of staying through the winter. We tried 2 routes to home ownership, and our choices were spend nearly every penny on a mortgage and live crappily (I know that’s not a word… deal) or rent again. Needless to say after the Money Pit ordeal, I am absolutely petrified of renting. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust any landlord again enough to rent from them. I’m still waking up with scary thoughts about the Pit and the crazy bitch that owns it… eek
So we are here to stay for the next 8-9 months. We will be saving nearly all of our money since we are living so cheaply here and should have a massive down payment and MUCH better credit when the time comes to reapply for a home loan. Our credit is just a bit too low right now and they actually had the balls to say to my face that going to college was “hurting me financially”. Ummmm Ok? How is one supposed to gain the degree and skills neccessary to make a decent wage without college? I guess it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t kind of deal. But, by the time we are ready to reapply I will either be graduated or so close that they shouldn’t be able to use that against us anymore.
I guess I should have been born into one of those families where the parents coddle the hell out of their kids and give them everything on a silver platter. Darn luck!
So that’s about it.. havent’ been on the computer much lately due to the fact that I am crazy busy with school and was crazy busy cleaning up huge messes and getting ready for school. Princess starts preschool very soon, and next Thursday starts ballet and tap classes. Picking out her little dance outfit and tap shoes was such a fun day!!
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One more thing I almost forgot… I went down to visit my best friend Ben last weekend for his graduation from Cosmetology school. He felt much like I did about it.. he’s so burned out from the hectic schedule and crappy clients that he doesn’t even want to think about doing hair right now. He plans to take a few months off before he starts applying for jobs so he can get the fun and creativity back.
As much as a I love him, I suppose I should stop refering to him as my best friend now. He is my oldest friend, and I still love him to peices… but we have truly started drifting apart. I never want him out of my life, but I am to the point now where our lives are sooooo incredibly different it is hard to really relate to each other the way we used to. He is still very much like he was in high school… just a more mature and driven version. I am very much NOT like I was then.. almost all of my old ways have disappeared or been replaced by new ones.
So, I suppose it is time to accept the truth. I will still always love him for everything he is and was, but I suppose it’s time to admit we are very different people and just deal with that…
I don’t know
So I made it through typing up that blurb about my agoraphobia and anxiety disorder.. I waited until a few others ladies had spewed stories of suicidal thoughts and depressive episodes. I suppose I could have jumped on that wagon and told about my suicide attempt (the second, serious one), but I decided that since the furthest any of them got was driving to the area and sitting in their car thinking, I may freak them out with the handfuls of sleeping pills and stomach-pumping story… just a tad!
But anyway.. I got through it. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. As I get older, I am less and less ashamed of my problems. I am starting to be of the frame of mind that as long as I am taking steps to correct my issues, they aren’t something to feel badly about. And so far I haven’t got any “you’re wierd” comments.. Just a few ladies saying “thanks for sharing your struggle” and general niceties like that.
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In other news… I almost left today. I almost left my fiance… Probably not for good, but I actually started packing my things and a few of my daughter’s. I am just so damn sick of feeling alone… living much like I was as a single mom… and even though Darling is in many ways the same person, his actions are far from what they used to be.
And I don’t like it one bit.
But.. of course I stayed. I swore that the only way I would leave this one is if he were to abuse or neglect me or my child (or future kiddos) in ANY way, or if he were to cheat. If he were to pull one of my ex’s tricks on me and refuse to work or support the family.. that may be a deal breaker too. But just plain being a bit more lazy and less “there” for me doesn’t fall under that list.
My days of serial monogamy need to be behind me. I can’t just run from a relationship at the first sign on unpleasantness like I have in the past. We have been through much more in the past and survived.. and I know this will pass as well. I am just already very sick of waiting.
I also feel guilty for the pain I have caused Darling. Twice now I have reduced him to begging me.. begging me not to leave him, not to drop our dynamic (even though I feel he beat me to the punch on that one). It’s not very becoming of a Dom.. but I know that I am the one who pushed him to do those things. I know he loves me more than anything in the world and it hurts him to see me unhappy. But that’s exactly what I am… unhappy.
The house we rent is falling apart, I am overy stressed trying to deal with more responsibilities than I am used to, next semester is rapidly approaching and I have been told these last two semesters are the WORST… and through all this I feel alone. When Princess is awake, we do anything and everything I can think of from visiting family and friends to craft projects to fill the time. Once she is tucked away in bed for the night, the ache hits me… and it is relentless.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I sit here and think myself into a sickness.. If I try to get up and do something productive (cleaning, baking, etc) I end up getting so frustrated with the task at hand I wind up worse off than if I would have sat alone with only my thoughts.
And of course, all I can think of is our relationship. Where it went… when it will come back… am I doing enough… am I doing too much… is there someone else… should I seek a Mistress to fill the void… what would that do to our future… should I stop planning this wedding… what if things are always this way… do I love him enough to stomach this forever?!?!?
All I know is….
… I don’t know.
Loneliness is such a sad affair…
…and I can hardly wait to be with you again.
Through all these issues with Daddy and his sudden lack of… well… “daddyness”, I have decided to stop internalizing my struggles and actually ask for help or just support. It’s been great!
It is in rough times when you really realize who is your friend and who is not. The ones that will stand by my side or allow me to cry on their shoulder are the ones I am truly grateful for right now. Even just the few girls who simply said “I’m sorry, offering hugs” has been a great comfort.
One of my Mistress friends hit the nail on the head I think… it’s my lonliness that is making this “lull” seem a million times worse than past ones. I feel like I am living alone, and I am NOT one to be alone! The puppy helped a bit… and keeping busy making “stock” for my store and doing extra credit for school and starting xmas gifts has taken the edge off….
… but the pain is still there… growing into contempt… every day a little bit stronger
Oh my wow…
I normally don’t pay much attention to my horoscope. They are interesting and fun at times, but I really don’t put too much stock in them.
Yesterday, I got a new phone. I’ve been contstantly playing around with the fun little things I can do with this one that I couldn’t with my old one. While looking at news snippets from a semi-local paper, I decided out of pure boredom to have a look at my horoscope for the day.
These are the exact words:
Love in your definition, means service. Today however, the lines between sacrifice and martyrdom are strong. How much is too much?
Little bit on the crazy side considering who I am, what I have been going through with Daddy, and even yesterday’s post here…
Hmmmmmmmm
Please Sir.. may I have another?
I started this blog because I don’t really have all that many people to talk to about the D/s part of my life.. I thought it would help to get my thoughts out and maybe even help someone out there by reading my/Our struggles and maybe being able to take something from that.. But it seems that all I have done is whine.
I think I know why.
I am grasping at scraps of His dominance.. I dwell on every teeny tiny show of control and try to push back the longing and frustration I feel since there is a great deal lacking right now. And I don’t know if it’s going to be getting any better.
A few times now, I have thought things were going to improve. We have had long talks followed by a small handful of days that are close to what life was like when I was happy. Sadly, those days don’t last very long at all. I find myself blaming him.. resenting him even. Picking apart even the littlest mistakes and blowing them up to be something more than they are. I am driving myself mad with these thoughts. I am physically tired of shouldering the burden of my own anger.
So, a change is in order. I absolutely refuse to give up and resign myself to a vanilla, boring, unfulfilling life. I have tried it before, and it is simply not for me.
It’s time to shut up and take action. To wipe away the tears and pull up my “big girl panties”. One thing I have learned in my short adult life is that one must take ownership of their problems and take action when it comes to finding a solution. I can no longer sit back and pout, citing it is the Dominant’s job to take charge.
I’m not exactly sure how easy it will be to take ownership of my own personal submission and force my own self to go back to being a “good sub” and hope with all my might that Daddy follows and finds his place again.
One can only hope… This little one will be hoping hard
