I am Jack’s overwhelming sense of frustration
Fuck trying to be positive.. And yes, I started this entry out with the word fuck. Trust me, it sets the EXACT tone.
For the first time… umm…. EVER I don’t like school. I don’t care about my grades. I have missed more classes this semester than I missed all last year. (granted, it’s still only a handful, but that’s allot for me) I’ve pretty much given up on the 4.0 for my entire college career goal. I think I’m around 3.9 something for this semester (which still have 2 months to go), but I am at the point where a B will do.
I am tired.
My “baby sister” is one of the biggest monsters I have ever encountered. She runs hot and cold and changes on a dime. I honestly think there is a good possibility she is bi-polar, but the doctors disagree with that and I would have to go with their judgement. She is lazy, disrespectful, bossy, arrogant, rude, and foul-mouthed. When she is in a bad mood, she takes it out on my FOUR YEAR OLD!!! That is simply not right. She is coddled by my parents as if she were a baby… they give in to her to “shut her up” but they apparently don’t realize that they are doing her more harm than good. Considering that I was abused (in several ways) from age 3 to 15 when I left their home, I have NO idea who these people are posing as my parents that held their first child to near-unacheivable standards, yet allows their third child to talk back, do whatever she wants, and act like a spoiled brat. It is literally two different worlds… I just can’t wrap my head around it. Don’t get me wrong, no matter how awful she acts I wouldn’t wish my childhood on her.. I just think it would be nice if they could find a happy medium instead of bouncing from one extreme to another.
I am fed up.
The housing market is ridiculous right now. Going back a bit, we had to leave our duplex on the fly since it decided to “rain” in our living room. We can’t find an apartment to rent without having to get rid of our dog, and she is a family member. (so that’s a no-go) We qualify to buy a house, but seems like we have to chose between a shitty teeny tiny house on a half-way decent part of town, or a OK house in the shitty part of town. I also didn’t realize how “ruined” our used-to-be-little town has become until we started this! We were all set to go with a decent house in a decent part of town that just needed some love and elbow grease, but of course that had to fall through.
I am out of luck.
I feel like hell all of the time! I am so stressed that even on the new meds my lovely Dr. put me on, my tension headaches are back with a vengence. I have had a cold-like thing for about 2 weeks and I don’t see it letting up anytime soon. The stress and frustration (plus mounds of homework) have got me running on 4-5 hours of sleep… and I am one of those people who NEEDS their full 8. Everything hurts, my eyes won’t focus, my hands are shaking, and my temperment? Well… just ask Daddy. It’s not so good.
I am weak.
Daddy is on second shift again and working overtime to help build up a down payment in case we EVER find a livable house. For some reason, when he is on first he helps so much with chores. On second, he sleeps really late and doesn’t do anything during the day. I am back to doing ALL the housework, all of the childcare, all of the pick-ups and drop-offs, all of the money management, and all of the dog’s needs… and this is on top of 3-6 hours of homework per night, full time class schedule, and work. Oh yeah.. and work is tons of fun too! Last time I was there it was less than 40 degrees in the building and I sat there with two coats on sniffling cold all day.
I am exhausted. I am cold. I am lonely. I am stressed. I am angry. I am out of time…
I am Jack’s overwhelming sense of frustration.
