From the mind of the little one

Fuck trying to be positive.. And yes, I started this entry out with the word fuck. Trust me, it sets the EXACT tone.

For the first time… umm…. EVER I don’t like school. I don’t care about my grades. I have missed more classes this semester than I missed all last year. (granted, it’s still only a handful, but that’s allot for me) I’ve pretty much given up on the 4.0 for my entire college career goal. I think I’m around 3.9 something for this semester (which still have 2 months to go), but I am at the point where a B will do.

I am tired.

My “baby sister” is one of the biggest monsters I have ever encountered. She runs hot and cold and changes on a dime. I honestly think there is a good possibility she is bi-polar, but the doctors disagree with that and I would have to go with their judgement. She is lazy, disrespectful, bossy, arrogant, rude, and foul-mouthed. When she is in a bad mood, she takes it out on my FOUR YEAR OLD!!! That is simply not right. She is coddled by my parents as if she were a baby… they give in to her to “shut her up” but they apparently don’t realize that they are doing her more harm than good. Considering that I was abused (in several ways) from age 3 to 15 when I left their home, I have NO idea who these people are posing as my parents that held their first child to near-unacheivable standards, yet allows their third child to talk back, do whatever she wants, and act like a spoiled brat. It is literally two different worlds… I just can’t wrap my head around it. Don’t get me wrong, no matter how awful she acts I wouldn’t wish my childhood on her.. I just think it would be nice if they could find a happy medium instead of bouncing from one extreme to another.

I am fed up.

The housing market is ridiculous right now. Going back a bit, we had to leave our duplex on the fly since it decided to “rain” in our living room. We can’t find an apartment to rent without having to get rid of our dog, and she is a family member. (so that’s a no-go) We qualify to buy a house, but seems like we have to chose between a shitty teeny tiny house on a half-way decent part of town, or a OK house in the shitty part of town. I also didn’t realize how “ruined” our used-to-be-little town has become until we started this! We were all set to go with a decent house in a decent part of town that just needed some love and elbow grease, but of course that had to fall through.

I am out of luck.

I feel like hell all of the time! I am so stressed that even on the new meds my lovely Dr. put me on, my tension headaches are back with a vengence. I have had a cold-like thing for about 2 weeks and I don’t see it letting up anytime soon. The stress and frustration (plus mounds of homework) have got me running on 4-5 hours of sleep… and I am one of those people who NEEDS their full 8. Everything hurts, my eyes won’t focus, my hands are shaking, and my temperment? Well… just ask Daddy. It’s not so good.

I am weak.

Daddy is on second shift again and working overtime to help build up a down payment in case we EVER find a livable house. For some reason, when he is on first he helps so much with chores. On second, he sleeps really late and doesn’t do anything during the day. I am back to doing ALL the housework, all of the childcare, all of the pick-ups and drop-offs, all of the money management, and all of the dog’s needs… and this is on top of 3-6 hours of homework per night, full time class schedule, and work. Oh yeah.. and work is tons of fun too! Last time I was there it was less than 40 degrees in the building and I sat there with two coats on sniffling cold all day.

I am exhausted. I am cold. I am lonely. I am stressed. I am angry. I am out of time…

I am Jack’s overwhelming sense of frustration.

Wow.. I haven’t written a post in a loooong time! School is busy.. it makes me absolutely crazy! I typically like school, but this semester I am HATING it. I’m usually that obnoxious student who goes the “extra mile”, studies for days for a simple test, spends all of her lunch break doing homework… but lately I don’t really give a damn. I’ve actually found myself surfing Etsy for wedding stuff while my instructor is lecturing. Part of me is worried about maintaining my perfect score, and the other part of me just want to get it over with already!!!

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I cannot stay with my family anymore. Daddy is going back to 2nd shift after the whole 3 weeks they allowed him to be on 1st. This may not seem like a big deal, but without Daddy here my nights turn to hell. Even if we are not in the same room, doing the same things.. just knowing he is in the house and close by eases my mind. When he is not here, I get NO rest from my family, dear daughter, or the puppy. It’s impossible to get through my massive piles of homework when I have to take on everything on my own. Not only is it harder for me to accomplish my long “to do” lists when he is not here, but I get so depressed without him.

When he first got this job and went on 2nd shift, I didn’t think it would be too bad. I was lonely, but I also enjoyed the alone time. Then the lonliness caught up to me and I ended up sitting near the door crying every night. So Daddy bought me a puppy. That helped for a bit and kept me busy, but then when the house fell apart around us and we had to move in with family last-minute, it all got to be too much for me.

It may seem like I’m a big whiny baby, and maybe I am, but this is harder for me than it may be for others. I have been through alot in life, and many of those things I didn’t think I would ever be able to handle. When the time came, I just “did it” and got through one way or the other. But with this it is so daunting. It’s every damn day! Then the weekends with him are just a tease because I know in a day or two I will be back to pacing the floors, soaking my shirt with black teardrops, getting fat on chips and candy trying to quiet my screaming lonliness and supress the urge to drive down there and beg him on my knees to quit that fucking job!!!!

Gah.. I’ve been depressed just thinking about it. He announced the switch to me the other day when I was wrapping up my day at work. I honestly think my heart stopped for a minute. Either that or it sent the signal for my stomach to tie itself in a giant knot.. all I know is I was sad and I FELT it. Not feeling as in emotion, it was very much physical. And that heaviness hasn’t really left.

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I know that I am a fortunate person when you look into the REALLY important feelings in my life, but the lack of the little things are killing me. I have been blessed with an amazing and beautiful daughter, my Daddy loves me unconditionally, most of my family is supportive and loving, I have enough food to eat, a roof over my head, a car to drive, and decent health.. I should be happy, shouldn’t I?

But of course I am not. Sometimes I get the feeling that nothing will ever fill the emptiness that creeps in. I hope it will… and I am honestly working toward getting there. In my mind, I hope that a house and two nice cars, another child, and a good job will make me feel worthy. I hope that an orderly, less hectic life will center me. I hope that a bigger number on my bank receipt or fewer digits on the bathroom scale will make me smile…. and mean it.

But I really don’t know. I’m much better off than I was 6 years ago, but I still don’t feel *happy*. I have love.. a real and healthy love… but I still don’t feel *whole*. I am in college, working toward a future I can be more proud of .. but I still feel like a complete loser.

It seems like bad people are being rewarded and the people who put in the hard work to do things the *right* way are suffering. And the future doesn’t look any more promising. Why have another child when the economy is going down the drain? Why buy a house when we may be out of jobs in a few years? Why work to bring ourselves into the Middle Class when Republicans are trying to exterminate it?? Why work so hard in college when half the grads with 4 year degrees I know are working at Staples or waiting tables???

Why try when everything sucks?

Because we have to… it’s all we have… to try