From the mind of the little one

To start out on a positive note, I finally decided to take the advice of many of my oh-so-wise friends and give talking a chance.  At this point, I am very glad I did. We ended up having several talks, and I made sure to tell him EXACTLY how I felt about him staying out all hours and what I assumed and was concerned about.

So finally I broke down. He had thought the whole time (nearly 3 days of me not talking to him) that I was simply upset that he had been out so late. He had no idea was I had expected and worried had happened. When I told him what I was worried about, he took me into his arms and held me so tight. He asked me to look him in the eye and told me that would NEVER happen. He offered to call all of the people he had been there with that night and talk to them on speakphone about it to ease my mind. Something in the way he was speaking and his absolute lack of excuses made that I-just-know-he-cheated feeling leave the pit of my stomach. I started feeling better. I told him no, I didn’t need to talk to his friends.

I still had a few doubts about the things that were odd to me. I asked him very specific questions and even though I could tell he felt bad admitting to some things, he did so openly. I was careful not to chastize him too hard since he seemed to be very forthcoming and honest with me. I asked him about not showering, the missing text message, why he had no phone calls on his phone from that night… everything he said made complete sense. It now seems I was reading wayyyy too far into things.

I told him even though I felt I could believe him, for my own peace of mind I was going to check the cell phone records from that day and the past month or so. I told him as kind of a test to see how he would react. He didn’t get upset, didn’t act like I was invading his privacy… he simply told me I had nothing to worry about – BUT if I felt it would ease my mind to go ahead and go through anything I felt neccesary and he would tell me who the number was and even call them on speaker so I could be sure he wasn’t lying. He has been very willing to let me check out any and all of what he told me. He said it wouldn’t bother him at all for me to check his phone records… he had nothing to hide.

Comparing this behaviour to the way he was when I actually did catch him cheating way back in the beginining, I could tell this time he wasn’t making a million excuses, downplaying his actions, or trying to cover things up. He wasn;t gettting defensive in the least. I have cheated and I have been cheated on. I know the pattern and the behaviors that come out when someone gets caught. I saw none of them from him.

We did agree that 2:30 was a reasonable time for him to be home from now on. If he will be late, he will call or text me. Though, he promised to try very hard to stick with that time and never come home aroung 5 am again!! Seeing as he doesnt’ get off work until 11:30 pm, and the bars close at 2 am, we thought 2:30 was an agreeable time.

For now, we aren’t moving too quickly with the wedding planning. There are obviously trust issues that need to be sorted out before making such a huge commitment. I can’t go my whole marriage with these horrible twinges of doubt everytime something happens out of the ordinary. Hunny understands this completely and has said that he is open to pre-marital counseling so we can get a professional opinion about if our relationship is ready for the big plunge or not. I think alot of this has to do with my getting burned so bad in my first marriage and my fear of history repeating itself!

Thank you all for listening and giving your feedback. I am not a stupid girl and would not stay with a cheater or trick myself into believing he’s changed if he really didn’t. Please feel confident in my ability to read my Man. I will likely still check out the phone reports… if for nothing else but to give myself 100% peace of mind.

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And now, the bad… and the superbad. Daddy’s car is useless.. It had been overheating so he took it to the local Midas to get fixed. $560 later he came home with a car that seemed to be working. In a short (about 5 mile) trip to his sister’s house, it overheated twice. We took it back to Midas and they “fixed” it again. This time, it didn’t even make it home. Whatever they did seemed to mess it up more. Now, everyone is pretty convinced it is a head gasket, which basically means we either go in debt fixing the damn thing (right this time, no more Midas) or we have to buy a new car. This $5,000 car was not the best of course, but it only lasted about 10 months!! That is ridiculous. My $600 hunk-a-junk has lasted nearly 2 years now!! And it’s still going strong.

So we have to buy a new car. Kind of a “yay”, but not really considering that we are supposed to be saving up for a house and wedding. I don’t know how we are supposed to be putting the money away that we need to be when everything keeps falling apart on us! First the house and now the car…

Oh, and my table too! Daddy decided he wasn’t going to wait for me to go through our things in storage. He was so proud of himself that he found what we all were needing and condensed the amount of space the boxes and furniture took up. I was proud of him too… until I saw what he did! He did NOT get anything out that we needed - I needed Princess’s new winter clothes and he got out last years too small clothes, I needed my nail polish so it won’t freeze and he got out a bag of acrylic powder and files, I needed coats and boots and mittens and he got out a few hoodies – and on top of forgetting nearly everything we needed out, he piled a HUGE amount of crap on top of my GLASS kitchen table and the poor thing shattered under the weight.

So now we no longer have a house, a car, or a kitchen table…. whats next?

I swear sometimes I must have been a serial killer in a past life.. I seem to be paying for some awful crime I don’t remember committing! My Karma just sucks.. plain and simple. There is no other way to put it.

Also, I am completely bogged down with homework. We were warned by our counselor and teacher, as well as last year’s graduating class, that this semester would be the worse of our college careers. I assumed it would be harder and busier, but I had no idea what I was truly in store for. I NEVER skip classes and I OBSESS about my grades… well 3 weeks into this semester I already want to hide under my covers and ignore my mounds of homework!

I am buuuuuurned out.