Oh FUCK…
He bought me flowers… really pretty roses.
I am in trouble.. big time. This is only the third time he’s gotten me flowers. The other two were for an anniversary and valentines. He’s not a flower-giver. So these are seeming to be sorry-I-really-fucked-up-bad flowers. He wouldn’t go that far out of his way just because he was out late.
Something is up… and I don’t know what.
Everyone has said “talk to him”. Well I can’t.. I tried a few times, but the minute I look at him I get this sick feeling in my stomach – like the knowing will be worse than not – and I just can’t. In fact I think I have said maybe a dozen words to him in the past two days and those were spoken only to answer something he asked me.
This could be all me reading too deeply into things. This could be simple paranoia. This could all be one big misunderstanding and I am driving myself crazy for no reason.
BUT, just the fact that it is bothering me this badly speaks volumes to me. I’ve decided to postpone all wedding planning for the time being. If the dress is a loss… oh well. It can be a crazy expensive Halloween costume or something… but I’m not paying deposits for anything else or making any new arrangements.
I just don’t know if we are going to work out. I love this man more than I can possibly express in words. He is “daddy” to my daughter (been with me since she turned one), everything to me, and a friend to nearly all of my family. Even my sister who is convinced all men are cheating scum told me, “I just couldn’t see (him) doing that to you! I think it’s a misunderstanding.”. And she could very easily be right. But how am I supposed to live a happy life and maintain a healthy D/s dynamic, let alone marriage, with such a striking lack of trust?? If I get sick for days and can’t sleep when he is out too late without calling, what is the rest of my life going to be like? Will I be questioning his every move? Will I drive myself insane with all the unanswered questions and suspicions? Will I drive HIM insane with all the seemingly unfounded doubt and accusations?!?!?
I want to marry him… I want to make this work… I really just want to be His girl – happily.
I really just want to be able to TRUST!
… but I don’t (and I don’t even know if I can anymore)
pinkroses521 said,
September 5, 2008 at 6:45 pm
I think it’s a good move to postpone the wedding plans until you know for sure what is going on and if you’ll be able to trust him. Marriage doesn’t change people, pixie dust won’t fall from the sky and magically transform you or him. People are who they are after the wedding just like they were before it. I’m not trying to be mean, I honestly just want to help. Maybe it is a misunderstanding, maybe nothing is going on and he didn’t cheat again, but maybe he did. Talk to him. You owe it to yourself to know the truth, as painful as it would be to know it did happen (if it did) it would still be better than playing the “what if” game in your mind. I know you love him, I have no doubt you love him, but sometimes love isn’t enough, especially if you can’t trust him. Think of building a life, a marriage, a D/s dynamic as a house and trust is the foundation – you wouldn’t want to build a house on a cracked foundation.
Rose
carolynn said,
September 8, 2008 at 11:41 am
the cheating or not cheating is not the issue. The lack of trust is the issue. Unless you can change that within yourself, then it will always be there, because there will always be a “next time” whether or not he’s been unfaithful. Not easy things to hear. Not easy things to say, but easier said than heard, i’m afraid. i have been married for 15 years. i can tell you that if you start off with this many issues, there are more down the road that you have not even thought of, that require full and total trust in your mate. If that is not there, then it will not be the two of you against the world, instead, it will be the two of you against each other. People have to make their own decisions. Some are good, and some don’t work out. As much as i can tell you that i see the handwriting on the wall, you might have to go down that road yourself to see if it is the right decision. i wish you the best of luck and happiness, however that may be.