From the mind of the little one

When I started this blog, I meant to add it to the ranks of other interesting stories of D/s relationships. However, things do have a way of catching up with life and muddling up ones plans.

It’s seem to become more of a vent/amusement thing for me. Now I am considering shutting it down and starting a new one WITHOUT D/s intentions. Mostly because our dynamic has been up and down, and right now I’m not sure if it will exist again… or “us” for that matter.

As I sit here typing this I am sick to my stomach. Yesterday was all sorts of horrible and I simply don’t know what to think/feel/do about it! I’ll try to be as brief as possible:

My daddy, L, is on 2nd shift. So when I have long days at school I don’t get home before he leaves for work and don’t see him much. We usually spend at least a bit of time together when he gets home from work (about 11:30pm). Well yesterday was a collegiate day from HELL and I was exhausted. He called me on his lunch break as usual and we chatted for a while. RIGHT as his bell rang for him to go back to work, I told him I may be asleep when he gets home. He said (sounded a bit too excited) that his “friend” asked him out for a drink and if I was going to be asleep he would “meet him for a bit and be home”. Fine.. we said our goodbyes and I told him to have fun. I ended up not being able to sleep without him there and didn’t fall asleep until nearly 1 AM.

At 4 AM, my puppy woke me up whining to go out to potty. I realized that I was still alone… no L. Part of me was worried and part of me was annoyed. I took the pup out, checked for his car, and checked my phone. When he stays out late he ALWAYS texts me to let me know he’s staying out after he planned and when he will be home… No call, no text. I text him and get nothing back.

So at this point I am so worried I can’t sleep. I go and lay back down with all those thoughts of “what if” swirling around my head. Finally about 5:15 AM I hear the garage door. Knowing that he is safe but being angry, I closed my eyes and didn’t let on that I was awake. We have had trust issues in the past and I wanted to know what I was in for… Normally he climbs in bed, kisses my forehead, and snuggles up behind me. This time, he very carefully and quietly got in and made sure not to bump me or touch me at all.

With him home, I slept for the hour I had left until it was time to get up for class. Only having 3 hours of sleep so far made it easy to pass right out! In the morning I said nothing… just went to school as usual.

**Probably should give a little background… we have been together for 3 1/2 years. After we were together 10 months, he got a weird phone call one day and the next he simply didn’t come home until 4 am and I just knew something happened. I made a few phone calls and found out he had cheated. This was the night before (so technically day of) our first Valentine’s. We split up for 3 months. He proved himself to me and we got back together. Ever since, things have been really REALLY good… up until his shift change.. So maybe you can see why this freaked me out so bad. Also, the bars close here at 2 AM.**

I had a short day at school because a class got cancelled, so I got home long before he was supposed to leave for work. I left him sleep and when he woke up, I came back in the room, locked the door, and went to sleep myself (since I was so exhausted). I wouldnt’ speak to him and slept until he left for work.

He obviously knows he messed up because he told my DAUGHTER to tell me he is sorry! (way to involve the poor child…) He knows there is a reason I wouldn’t talk to him. I just want to know what is up.. but I don’t want to accuse without proof or make him work harder to cover his tracks.

I did grab his phone, but the last call that showed was me on his lunch. I obviously know that wasn’t the last call he made or received, because how would he have gotten ahold of his “friend” to meet at the bar? Also, all texts from yesterday (even including mine) had been erased… so no answers there.

The phone bill should come in about a week, so I should hopefully be able to check that out for peace of mind then. Other than that, what do I do? The friend he claims to have been out with I have never met.. and even if he did go out with him, where was he for the 3 hours after the bars all closed? Why did he not let me know what was up or answer when I texted him? This is allll too similar to the time when we split up.

I don’t know what to do.. I feel sick just thinking about what could be going on.. and I don’t know anything about this “friend”, where he was, who was all there… and there is no point asking him because I can’t know if it’s the truth or not. I do plan to eventually ask him what time he got home and see if he is honest about that. (not that it will do me much good)

I guess the time he cheated it was so easy to find out the truth from the girl that I really don’t know how to spot it now.. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and forget it? Do I confront him about it and hope he is honest? Do I pack his s*it tonight?? Or do I wait patiently and do a little “research”?

And yes… I know this is all very “un-sub-like” I really don’t care. Without trust and sharing, there can be NO D/s dynamic. So if I can’t trust him to at least be honest and somewhat careful of my feelings, how can I give him my whole submission? I can’t…

And this is not the first time. He’s been out til 3 and 4 a handful of times since his shift change. One time, we did talk about how worried I was and that is when he promised to text me if he was going to be very late. Usually I am sleeping and don’t get them til he is already home, but at least I know he tried. I usually try to let him have his “unwind” time and space, but this is too much… This is too much like history repeating itself and I don’t know what to do. I am sick about it all…

We are engaged.. I have paid to have my dress made.. we are making arrangements.. my daughter thinks of him as her father and calls him “daddy”. He is our world… and it feels like our world if falling apart in front of me and I don’t know what to do to stop it.