The opposite of Norm
My “norm” is chaos! It has been for a long time now. School, parenting, D/s, work, family… it all adds up and makes life very hectic. It’s normal for me to feel like I am losing my mind. It’s normal for me to be perpetually upset. Problems are VERY normal!
But lately, it’s been the opposite of the “norm” around here. Daddy is home with me, my daughter had a fantastic week and weekend, my usually-pain-in-the-rear sister was a HUGE help all weekend, I’m rested, no headaches, less homework….. things are going .. WELL!
It’s strange really. Don’t get me wrong, of course I am absolutely thrilled with all this. It’s just odd for me. I feel like with everything running rather smoothly, there is nothing to talk about, worry about, or get excited over. It’s been a rather nice vacation from the usual.
With things running more smoothly, I’ve had some time to get plans underway. I’ve got the contract for the place our wedding and reception will be held. I can’t believe we’ll be able to afford such a GORGEOUS place!! My dress is all planned out, colors are chosen, date is set, and the guest list is nearly complete!
All the wedding planning got us talking a bit. We had previously discussed going to pre-marital counseling… mostly because of Daddy’s inexperience in relationships and my fears and hesistations brought on by my own previous bad marriage and divorce. Daddy has decided he doesn’t think that would work for us. He’s afraid we won’t be able to be as honest as we would like because of our Dynamic. I wasn’t able to find any “kink friendly” therapists in our area. Our best bet seems to be for me to go alone to talk about and possibly work on any of the “hang ups” I have about marriage.
We discussed our fears, expectations, and feelings about the fact that we have only 11 months to go until we are married. After being engaged for over 2 years, you’d think we would have gone over this before! I guess it really just didn’t seem real until that date was printed out on the contract. I am sooo glad that we had that chat. I told Daddy about the things I was concerned about.. and he told me the only thing that made him nervous was he worried that things would change after the rings went on. That just so happened to be my greatest concern too! I’ve seen it happen too many times to too many people. They get married thinking that things with their relationship will improve OR never change. That is just not reality.
Times change, people change. As we age, our likes and dislikes change a bit. Our personalities sometimes even bend. Our goals change with our careers and lifestyles. It’s unrealistic to believe that a ring and a peice of paper will “fix” any problem, and it’s also realistic to believe that the person you are with will remain exactly the same forever. We talked about all this and how we feel about it, and I think we are very close to being on the same page.
I told him about the things I worried about. How I was worried he would stop helping out around the house as much as he does. How I was worried he would get “bored” with me and want to experience another woman. How I was concerned about having another child and how that would affect his relationship with Princess. We discussed my exhusband and the fact that until Princess is 18 (and possibly even after) he will be either in our lifes or there will always be that possibility.
After that talk, many of my anxieties about life after the wedding are at least a bit less vivid. I feel allot more comfortable getting some things off my chest. The major benefit was that I was again reassured that no matter what our Dynamic may be, I am always encouraged to talk about ANYTHING that I am concerned about and Daddy will do His best to make sure we talk through it and take any steps that need to be taken so we both feel comfortable.
I know things will not always be perfect, but given our past, present, and what I can guess about our future, I believe we will be able to survive anything with a little honesty, patience, and love.
One thing we easily agree on is that our post-D/s life is much MUCH better than our pre-D/s life and that this dynamic works wonderfully for us! The only concern Daddy pointed out was that he would like me to continue working on Respect. Showing Him my respect is one thing that is very important to him and I am NOT to lose a single bit of that before, during, or after the wedding.
The sting of the little things
Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 25 now! I suppose it’s the last significant birthday other than the 10’s (30, 40, 50, etc). Because Daddy just bought me a new car, I didn’t feel that he should do or give me anything else.
But, of course, he did! He spoils me so bad sometimes 
I went to school as usual. I brought cupcakes for the girls that share my major (there’s only 8 of us plus our advisor/teacher). It was a nice semi-relaxing day. My parents offered to watch Princess that evening, so Daddy and I got to have a nice quiet dinner alone. Then Daddy took me shopping and bought me some sunglasses and a few shirts. (which I STILL feel extremely guilty about)
The best part was the sweetest little card Daddy got me. It nearly made me cry when I read it. He left it at the foot of the bed for me to find when I got home and the envelope was marked “To the Love of my Life” (awwww, I’m a sucker for the gushy stuff!). Oh and of course the fact that Daddy was actually HOME with me was perfect!! Other than now waking up early, he is liking being back on first shift.
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The only part about the day that bothered me, and I feel ashamed admitting this, is this was the first year since I met him that my Ex didn’t call, text, or email me on my birthday. He’s never forgot or let it go before. Even if we weren’t speaking at the time, he’s at least texted me or emailed a simple line.
It really shouldn’t bother me considering that I am happy with Daddy, and the Ex and I don’t even talk anymore! That was also my decision. I finally decided a while back that I would only speak to him about “our” daughter.. and that we didn’t need to speak as friends anymore. So really, this is what I wanted at the time.
The funny thing about it is it didn’t bother me yesterday. I didn’t even realize he hadn’t called until today. I was at school, taking a bathroom break from some tedious busy work, and I ended up walking down the hall behind one of several kids that reminds me so much of the Ex. Unfortunetly, this was the one of the bunch that looks JUST like him. So much so that the first time I ran into this boy, I nearly tripped over my own feet in shock because I really truly thought it WAS the Ex. Today, he stepped in front of me and slowly meandered on with his tight vintage jeans, well-worn tee, untied sneakers, and mismatched cap. He even wore a leather band around his wrist shockingly similiar to the one the Ex has had for so many years… It was when he stepped in front of me that my heart skipped a beat or two and I suddenly realized Ex had missed my special day. A ball of thick cotton formed in my throat and that hot whelling of tears brewed behind my eyes. I had to nearly run the rest of the way to the bathroom to keep from wailing out in a fit of tears right there in the Caf.
I know he was my first true love, the father of my daughter, my VERY best friend for many years, and my first husband. I had truly believed we would be together forever. I’m not dwelling on the past and I wouldn’t change a SINGLE thing about life the way it is now. I guess it just still holds a bit of a sting when I realize the little things that will never be the same again.
The only remorse I have over my short marriage and unexpected divorce is the death of the Dream.
Daddy’s true colors
I fell in love all over again with Daddy last night!
Because we were busy signing papers and getting things in order with the new car, we missed a good chunk of the things on our “to do” list yesterday. One of those things was a baby’s 1st birthday party. It was from 1 to 5, and by the time we got there it was already 4 and most guests were gone already. Daddy felt bad (and so did I) so we agreed to come over to our friend J’s house later that night and hang out with everyone we had missed by being late.
We get there around 9 PM or so, and there are quite a few people there. The mom of the birthday baby, J’s sister T, had a new boyfriend there with her. Apparently, he is from out of state and has no job. They met over the internet and she bought him a bus ticket here and back so he could visit her. That already didn’t look good…
We got to talking with everyone and this guy, we’ll call him Chase, kept making really odd and out of place comments. At one point, he picked up a poker from the fire and was whipping it around like a kid would with a toy light saber or something. Wierd… Our friend J said he had been like that all day and just plain wouldn’t shut up. He butted into people’s private conversations and said the most inappropriate off-the-wall stuff!
T and Chase were already telling each other they loved each other and talking very openly about sex… and this is in front of T’s brothers and mom!! All seemed fine, other than being a tad uncomfortable, until T wanted to go home. She secured a ride for her and Chase, and motioned for him to come with her. He just looked at her with this pissed-off stare and ignored her.
“C’mon. Let’s go. I got us a ride” she said to him.
Apparently, that seemingly innocent call was threatening to Chase. He started yelling at her that he wasn’t her “bitch” and would not “come when called like a dog”. He threw a hissy-fit and freaked out on T for at least 20 minutes. Finally, T went with her uncle for a bit and we were all stuck with Chase. The annoying comments and strange behavior kept up. We left the bonfire to go inside to get away from him for a bit. One by one, other guests were coming inside all shaking their heads and expressing their annoyance with this kid.
The two final straws came close together. I could tell Daddy’s anger was brewing after Chase made that scene with T about leaving. Shortly after, he sat down with T’s mom and began explaining why he yelled at her and saying disrespectful things about T, mentioned their “sex life”, and kept repeating that he loved her but he was going to be the one in control.
Daddy was clenching his fists at this point.
As our friend from Mexico and J came back to the fire, Chase shot off two off-color comments. The first was something about “jumping the border fence” to our imigrant friend who is working toward citizenship right now. The second was making fun of J who had just had surgery.
That was it! Chase said something about not taking him seriously when everyone got quiet after his last 2 rude comments. Daddy stood up and got withing about a foot of Chase’s face. He raised his voice and told him that if he didn’t want to piss people off, he’d better “shut his fucking mouth right now”! He went on to tell Chase that if he EVER heard him talk like that to T, their mom, or any of this friends again that Chase had better start running because Daddy wouldn’t be far behind!!
It was a bit silly that it had to come to that, but Daddy had only said what everyone else was thinking. Daddy and J grew up together and they are like family. Daddy thinks of T as a sister and he wasn’t about to let anyone disrespect her or “mom” in front of him. After that, the kid didn’t open his mouth to anyone but T the rest of the night. They left shortly after.
It was soooo incredibly sexy to see my Daddy show his Dominance and dedication to friends and family. He stood up and did what everyone there had wanted to do, but didn’t have the “guts” for. It was amazing…
Afterward, I gave him a huge hug and whispered in his ear how proud of him I was. I later told him when we were in the car alone that if it was possible, I now loved him even more than before. I told him he was a strong man and how impressed I was at his growth. When we met, he was strong.. but he held that strength inside and often let people walk all over him. Since we have started developing a D/s dynamic, Daddy has felt encouraged and safe to express himself and his strong side. It’s refreshing to see that he is no longer afraid of standing up for himself or the people he loves.
News!
After finishing my delicious grocery store Chinese lunch, I cracked open my fortune cookie.
“Good things are soon to be coming your way”, it read.
Damn right fortune cookie!!
I have 2 peices of good news. First, the second best… I have a new car! Daddy’s car broke down and he decided that since I do way more driving than he does, he would buy me a new car and take my old “banana boat”. So a bit of an early Happy Birthday to Me!! I am now the very proud owner of a white ‘07 Kia Optima LT! Daddy picked a good one for me.. it’s girly to the core! heehee – it even has a “purse hook”. Niiiiiice! OH and the best part is a 5 year warranty so we won’t run into trouble again and go broke fixing it. We had Daddy’s car for only 10 months and it went to shit.
And the best news of all…..
….. drumroll please ……
DADDY WILL BE ON FIRST SHIFT STARTING MONDAY!!! What a fantastic b-day present!!
I am so unbelievably happy about that simple little shift change! He will be losing 30 cents an hour, but as my darling Chessa has said, the money is less important than our happyness. And my happyness wasn’t always exactly present while I’ve been dealing with this shift change crap!
So weeee. No more juggling kid, dog, homework, and housework all alone! No more lonely evenings. No more going nearly 48 hours without seeing my Love. No more waiting up for him only to end up with 5 hours of sleep and hellish classes the next day.
Phew…
I would like to know why
So, supposedly the reason behind going to war in Iraq was to prevent things like 9/11 from happening. Over 2,000 people died that day, and yes it was a horrible tragedy. I remember that day better than I remember all my homecomings and proms…
But, the death toll for AMERICANS that have died fighting ‘Nam II has now reached well over 4,000. That is just Americans.. that doesn’t count the infinate number of helpless, innocent women and CHILDREN that have died in Iraq for simply being born in the wrong country and culture.
So if preventing more deaths was the idea… well that one didn’t really pan out.
And if trying to force other countries to “respect” the US was the point… well now they just hate us even more!
Seems that all this has done NO good and ALL harm. I realize it’s not something that can happen tomorrow, but we really all need to pull together as a country and stand up for the ones who either can’t stand up for themselves or buy so far into the bullshit brainwashing they will believe whatever the government tells us to.
Vote
Protest
Speak out
Rally together
Give peace a chance! – Seriously though… where are our John Lennons and MLKs of 2008? If they are out there, we need them now.
Please… do something, ANYTHING to help put the wheels in motion that will eventually end this endless war.
Waiting..
I’m waiting up for Daddy to come home.. I have missed him WAY too much lately and even though I have to work tomorrow I am determined to get some alone time with him tonight.
I skipped a class today.. To those that know me, that is kind of a little shocker! I got up at 6 and went to my first class; Comp II. Composition is so NOT stressful, and I had to hand in my Peer Reviews and go over people’s papers with them. So I felt guilty not going to that one. Especially after my instructor kept me after class last time and talked to me about how “impressed” he was. I didn’t want to make him sorry for saying that.
So, I went. I got to help the lady from Namibia re-do her paper and heard comments on my “Jesus and John Lennon” paper. It went well and I left feeling good about things..
The class I skipped was supposed to come after that – Advanced Coding, ICD-9CM – NOT fun and very stressful. I really needed a break from the awful coding classes that seem to drone on and on and on and on… Anyway, I have been getting 5-6 hours a sleep each night (when I am used to 7-8) and I’ve been doing an average of 6 hours of homework a night. This is in addition to potty training my dog, taking care of my daughter by myself, and running her to dance and preschool and tumbling… I was exhausted. So class got out at 9:30 AM and I came home and climbed back into bed. Daddy was SO happy to see me home unexpectedly and snuggled me to sleep. I woke up shortly before it was time to pick Princess up from daycare, feeling a heck of a lot more rested and happy!
But, sadly that was not enough. A few stolen hours of snuggling and a quick sub lunch just wasn’t enough time with my Daddy. I miss him like crazy and I feel like we never see each other. It doesn’t even feel like we live together when we are on such completely different schedules! And it’s not like we’re in that honeymoon phase where we have the butterflies and need to be together 24/7, but I still have this need that just rips at me if I don’t have enough time with him.
He called me on his lunch break like he always does. I was unfortunetly away from my phone, looking up car reviews. (He’s buying me a new car this weekend!!) So I missed his call. He did leave a message and said that he has “news” for me. Since this “news” popped up while he was at work, I am REALLY hoping (all fingers, toes, and otherwise crossed) that it means he’s getting on a different shift.
Oh please, oh please, oh puleeeeeze!
The good, the bad, and the superbad
To start out on a positive note, I finally decided to take the advice of many of my oh-so-wise friends and give talking a chance. At this point, I am very glad I did. We ended up having several talks, and I made sure to tell him EXACTLY how I felt about him staying out all hours and what I assumed and was concerned about.
So finally I broke down. He had thought the whole time (nearly 3 days of me not talking to him) that I was simply upset that he had been out so late. He had no idea was I had expected and worried had happened. When I told him what I was worried about, he took me into his arms and held me so tight. He asked me to look him in the eye and told me that would NEVER happen. He offered to call all of the people he had been there with that night and talk to them on speakphone about it to ease my mind. Something in the way he was speaking and his absolute lack of excuses made that I-just-know-he-cheated feeling leave the pit of my stomach. I started feeling better. I told him no, I didn’t need to talk to his friends.
I still had a few doubts about the things that were odd to me. I asked him very specific questions and even though I could tell he felt bad admitting to some things, he did so openly. I was careful not to chastize him too hard since he seemed to be very forthcoming and honest with me. I asked him about not showering, the missing text message, why he had no phone calls on his phone from that night… everything he said made complete sense. It now seems I was reading wayyyy too far into things.
I told him even though I felt I could believe him, for my own peace of mind I was going to check the cell phone records from that day and the past month or so. I told him as kind of a test to see how he would react. He didn’t get upset, didn’t act like I was invading his privacy… he simply told me I had nothing to worry about – BUT if I felt it would ease my mind to go ahead and go through anything I felt neccesary and he would tell me who the number was and even call them on speaker so I could be sure he wasn’t lying. He has been very willing to let me check out any and all of what he told me. He said it wouldn’t bother him at all for me to check his phone records… he had nothing to hide.
Comparing this behaviour to the way he was when I actually did catch him cheating way back in the beginining, I could tell this time he wasn’t making a million excuses, downplaying his actions, or trying to cover things up. He wasn;t gettting defensive in the least. I have cheated and I have been cheated on. I know the pattern and the behaviors that come out when someone gets caught. I saw none of them from him.
We did agree that 2:30 was a reasonable time for him to be home from now on. If he will be late, he will call or text me. Though, he promised to try very hard to stick with that time and never come home aroung 5 am again!! Seeing as he doesnt’ get off work until 11:30 pm, and the bars close at 2 am, we thought 2:30 was an agreeable time.
For now, we aren’t moving too quickly with the wedding planning. There are obviously trust issues that need to be sorted out before making such a huge commitment. I can’t go my whole marriage with these horrible twinges of doubt everytime something happens out of the ordinary. Hunny understands this completely and has said that he is open to pre-marital counseling so we can get a professional opinion about if our relationship is ready for the big plunge or not. I think alot of this has to do with my getting burned so bad in my first marriage and my fear of history repeating itself!
Thank you all for listening and giving your feedback. I am not a stupid girl and would not stay with a cheater or trick myself into believing he’s changed if he really didn’t. Please feel confident in my ability to read my Man. I will likely still check out the phone reports… if for nothing else but to give myself 100% peace of mind.
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And now, the bad… and the superbad. Daddy’s car is useless.. It had been overheating so he took it to the local Midas to get fixed. $560 later he came home with a car that seemed to be working. In a short (about 5 mile) trip to his sister’s house, it overheated twice. We took it back to Midas and they “fixed” it again. This time, it didn’t even make it home. Whatever they did seemed to mess it up more. Now, everyone is pretty convinced it is a head gasket, which basically means we either go in debt fixing the damn thing (right this time, no more Midas) or we have to buy a new car. This $5,000 car was not the best of course, but it only lasted about 10 months!! That is ridiculous. My $600 hunk-a-junk has lasted nearly 2 years now!! And it’s still going strong.
So we have to buy a new car. Kind of a “yay”, but not really considering that we are supposed to be saving up for a house and wedding. I don’t know how we are supposed to be putting the money away that we need to be when everything keeps falling apart on us! First the house and now the car…
Oh, and my table too! Daddy decided he wasn’t going to wait for me to go through our things in storage. He was so proud of himself that he found what we all were needing and condensed the amount of space the boxes and furniture took up. I was proud of him too… until I saw what he did! He did NOT get anything out that we needed - I needed Princess’s new winter clothes and he got out last years too small clothes, I needed my nail polish so it won’t freeze and he got out a bag of acrylic powder and files, I needed coats and boots and mittens and he got out a few hoodies – and on top of forgetting nearly everything we needed out, he piled a HUGE amount of crap on top of my GLASS kitchen table and the poor thing shattered under the weight.
So now we no longer have a house, a car, or a kitchen table…. whats next?
I swear sometimes I must have been a serial killer in a past life.. I seem to be paying for some awful crime I don’t remember committing! My Karma just sucks.. plain and simple. There is no other way to put it.
Also, I am completely bogged down with homework. We were warned by our counselor and teacher, as well as last year’s graduating class, that this semester would be the worse of our college careers. I assumed it would be harder and busier, but I had no idea what I was truly in store for. I NEVER skip classes and I OBSESS about my grades… well 3 weeks into this semester I already want to hide under my covers and ignore my mounds of homework!
I am buuuuuurned out.
Oh FUCK…
He bought me flowers… really pretty roses.
I am in trouble.. big time. This is only the third time he’s gotten me flowers. The other two were for an anniversary and valentines. He’s not a flower-giver. So these are seeming to be sorry-I-really-fucked-up-bad flowers. He wouldn’t go that far out of his way just because he was out late.
Something is up… and I don’t know what.
Everyone has said “talk to him”. Well I can’t.. I tried a few times, but the minute I look at him I get this sick feeling in my stomach – like the knowing will be worse than not – and I just can’t. In fact I think I have said maybe a dozen words to him in the past two days and those were spoken only to answer something he asked me.
This could be all me reading too deeply into things. This could be simple paranoia. This could all be one big misunderstanding and I am driving myself crazy for no reason.
BUT, just the fact that it is bothering me this badly speaks volumes to me. I’ve decided to postpone all wedding planning for the time being. If the dress is a loss… oh well. It can be a crazy expensive Halloween costume or something… but I’m not paying deposits for anything else or making any new arrangements.
I just don’t know if we are going to work out. I love this man more than I can possibly express in words. He is “daddy” to my daughter (been with me since she turned one), everything to me, and a friend to nearly all of my family. Even my sister who is convinced all men are cheating scum told me, “I just couldn’t see (him) doing that to you! I think it’s a misunderstanding.”. And she could very easily be right. But how am I supposed to live a happy life and maintain a healthy D/s dynamic, let alone marriage, with such a striking lack of trust?? If I get sick for days and can’t sleep when he is out too late without calling, what is the rest of my life going to be like? Will I be questioning his every move? Will I drive myself insane with all the unanswered questions and suspicions? Will I drive HIM insane with all the seemingly unfounded doubt and accusations?!?!?
I want to marry him… I want to make this work… I really just want to be His girl – happily.
I really just want to be able to TRUST!
… but I don’t (and I don’t even know if I can anymore)
Completely Unsure
When I started this blog, I meant to add it to the ranks of other interesting stories of D/s relationships. However, things do have a way of catching up with life and muddling up ones plans.
It’s seem to become more of a vent/amusement thing for me. Now I am considering shutting it down and starting a new one WITHOUT D/s intentions. Mostly because our dynamic has been up and down, and right now I’m not sure if it will exist again… or “us” for that matter.
As I sit here typing this I am sick to my stomach. Yesterday was all sorts of horrible and I simply don’t know what to think/feel/do about it! I’ll try to be as brief as possible:
My daddy, L, is on 2nd shift. So when I have long days at school I don’t get home before he leaves for work and don’t see him much. We usually spend at least a bit of time together when he gets home from work (about 11:30pm). Well yesterday was a collegiate day from HELL and I was exhausted. He called me on his lunch break as usual and we chatted for a while. RIGHT as his bell rang for him to go back to work, I told him I may be asleep when he gets home. He said (sounded a bit too excited) that his “friend” asked him out for a drink and if I was going to be asleep he would “meet him for a bit and be home”. Fine.. we said our goodbyes and I told him to have fun. I ended up not being able to sleep without him there and didn’t fall asleep until nearly 1 AM.
At 4 AM, my puppy woke me up whining to go out to potty. I realized that I was still alone… no L. Part of me was worried and part of me was annoyed. I took the pup out, checked for his car, and checked my phone. When he stays out late he ALWAYS texts me to let me know he’s staying out after he planned and when he will be home… No call, no text. I text him and get nothing back.
So at this point I am so worried I can’t sleep. I go and lay back down with all those thoughts of “what if” swirling around my head. Finally about 5:15 AM I hear the garage door. Knowing that he is safe but being angry, I closed my eyes and didn’t let on that I was awake. We have had trust issues in the past and I wanted to know what I was in for… Normally he climbs in bed, kisses my forehead, and snuggles up behind me. This time, he very carefully and quietly got in and made sure not to bump me or touch me at all.
With him home, I slept for the hour I had left until it was time to get up for class. Only having 3 hours of sleep so far made it easy to pass right out! In the morning I said nothing… just went to school as usual.
**Probably should give a little background… we have been together for 3 1/2 years. After we were together 10 months, he got a weird phone call one day and the next he simply didn’t come home until 4 am and I just knew something happened. I made a few phone calls and found out he had cheated. This was the night before (so technically day of) our first Valentine’s. We split up for 3 months. He proved himself to me and we got back together. Ever since, things have been really REALLY good… up until his shift change.. So maybe you can see why this freaked me out so bad. Also, the bars close here at 2 AM.**
I had a short day at school because a class got cancelled, so I got home long before he was supposed to leave for work. I left him sleep and when he woke up, I came back in the room, locked the door, and went to sleep myself (since I was so exhausted). I wouldnt’ speak to him and slept until he left for work.
He obviously knows he messed up because he told my DAUGHTER to tell me he is sorry! (way to involve the poor child…) He knows there is a reason I wouldn’t talk to him. I just want to know what is up.. but I don’t want to accuse without proof or make him work harder to cover his tracks.
I did grab his phone, but the last call that showed was me on his lunch. I obviously know that wasn’t the last call he made or received, because how would he have gotten ahold of his “friend” to meet at the bar? Also, all texts from yesterday (even including mine) had been erased… so no answers there.
The phone bill should come in about a week, so I should hopefully be able to check that out for peace of mind then. Other than that, what do I do? The friend he claims to have been out with I have never met.. and even if he did go out with him, where was he for the 3 hours after the bars all closed? Why did he not let me know what was up or answer when I texted him? This is allll too similar to the time when we split up.
I don’t know what to do.. I feel sick just thinking about what could be going on.. and I don’t know anything about this “friend”, where he was, who was all there… and there is no point asking him because I can’t know if it’s the truth or not. I do plan to eventually ask him what time he got home and see if he is honest about that. (not that it will do me much good)
I guess the time he cheated it was so easy to find out the truth from the girl that I really don’t know how to spot it now.. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and forget it? Do I confront him about it and hope he is honest? Do I pack his s*it tonight?? Or do I wait patiently and do a little “research”?
And yes… I know this is all very “un-sub-like” I really don’t care. Without trust and sharing, there can be NO D/s dynamic. So if I can’t trust him to at least be honest and somewhat careful of my feelings, how can I give him my whole submission? I can’t…
And this is not the first time. He’s been out til 3 and 4 a handful of times since his shift change. One time, we did talk about how worried I was and that is when he promised to text me if he was going to be very late. Usually I am sleeping and don’t get them til he is already home, but at least I know he tried. I usually try to let him have his “unwind” time and space, but this is too much… This is too much like history repeating itself and I don’t know what to do. I am sick about it all…
We are engaged.. I have paid to have my dress made.. we are making arrangements.. my daughter thinks of him as her father and calls him “daddy”. He is our world… and it feels like our world if falling apart in front of me and I don’t know what to do to stop it.
Sex and Sleep
The title basically explains all of my day Saturday.. well except for a few meals in there too.
Daddy and I are strange when it comes to our sex life. It’s always been a bit “off”, but it’s even worse now that we are on different schedules. We go in cycles almost.. one week (or a few weeks) we hardly do anything sexual in nature and then all of a sudden we can’t get enough and seem to make up for lost time.
Saturday was apparently an “on” day! We slept in (finally) and snuggled for the longest time in bed when we finally did wake up. Nothing at all happened in bed.. in fact nothing even remotely close. It wasn’t until Daddy got up to shower that things took a turn.
He was brushing his teeth at the sink and I was in a silly mood. I decided to joke with him a bit and play at a little brattiness for fun. I started giving him little swats on the ass when I walked by. He gave me “the look” and I just giggled back. I told him (jokingly, I love to play with him!) that I was thinking I should be domme for a day and give him a good spanking. “Oh you think so do you?”, he said. And that was it!
Next thing I know I was pinned against the wall of the bathroom. My nightdress came off in one quick rip and before I could catch my breath he had my hair in his fist and I was completely at his mercy. He turned on the shower and radio to make some noise and gave me a few good hard smacks. With a few quick movements he had my arm pulled behind me in a way that I couldn’t move or turn much without it hurting me and I was bent over the sink/vanity. He will never admit it, but he loves to watch himself “in action”! 
After bringing me way too close to the edge that way, he told me to get in the shower. Before I even had time to warm myself in the water he shoved me to my knees and gathered up a fistful of my hair again. Following closely the instructions given, I brought him to orgasm with my mouth. He returned the favor 3 times over before I begged to be able to catch my breath. When we go through a dry spell and then go at it with such intensity like that day, my knees go weak and I can’t seem to breathe steadily when I orgasm. And since it was multiple times, one after another, I was to the point that I was scared I would fall or faint!
Daddy helped me wash my hair and we got out of the shower and went up for breakfast. Everyone was gone and we basically had the house to ourselves for the day. Instead of doing the work that needed to be done, we napped and ended up going for round 2! (regular old bed sex with a touch of the usual hair pulling and forced fellatio)
Throughout the rest of that lazy, lovely day we did more of the same… watched a movie, snuggled in bed, teased, played, and loved each other. Right before we fell asleep for the night, we snuck in a quickie that was slightly vanilla. We don’t really get much into the pain part of BDSM.. it’s more about exerting power and mind games. We do LOVE bondage but that doesn’t happen nearly as much as either of us would like due to the time “prep and execution” take. We do spanking, riding crop, hair pulling, paddling… things of that nature fairly regularly (or we used to before the Pit disaster) but the way we really fit into the lifestyle mostly lies in who and what we are to each other. He is my guidance, my Protector, my master, my rock… my Daddy! And I am His girl.. his soft place to land, his “project”, his treasure…
