From the mind of the little one

“Basically I’m complicated. I have a hard time taking the easy way”

That line basically sums it all up for me. You may look at me on the street and get an impression. You may meet me at work and think you know who I am. You may even be my friend or family member and be sure that you are intune with who I am.. but I don’t think that is ever true. I don’t think anyone knows ANYONE else truly.

Inside my head is the only place one could truly know me. Even Daddy hasn’t been there. My mind is my prison, my hell on earth, and at the same time my sanctuary.

I have always been majorly introverted. Not that I don’t like good conversation and company.. but I find that I always feel somewhat alone, even in the most crowded room. Usually, I feel more alone in crowds than I would with one person in a familiar place.. but that is for another day.

For most of my life, I saw this as a negative. I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I realize it takes all kinds to form society, and there is really nothing wrong with liking my solitude… as long as I don’t let it get out of hand.

“In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends.”

One thing about being an introvert with rampant social anxiety disorders is that friendships are very difficult to form and then maintain. As I am celebrating the birth of a new friendship, I am preparing to mourn the death of the oldest.

I can’t remember the book or exact quote right now, but I read once a line about going insane. That it happens slowly, yet all at once.

I am losing my best friend. We were there for each other when no one else would dare. I took him in when his parents kicked him out and his church shunned him. I fled to his house for the hug I needed so desperately the day I misscarried. He was the first person I told of my engagement and pregnancy… I was the first person he came to when he realized his personal truths.

And now I think it is over. Not by my choice, but by his. We slowly began speaking less and less. Then, we only communicated via text messages. Now, he has had his fill.

On a lighter note, I have made a new friend. Something I had once felt was an impossible task for me in this town. Elated doesn’t even cover how I feel about this! Beyond our similiarities in lifestyle choice (which originally brought us together), everytime I get to see her and have a chat I find a dozen more things we have in common. Even as new as this friendship is, she has challenged my ideas of what a loyal friend entails. I am accustomed to selfish individuals who will only be there for you when they feel like it, and always seem to have something more pressing to discuss when all I need to do is vent. Not this one! Much to my surprise, she has been there for me when I needed her most.. Something that was a bit shocking for me considering the very short amount of time that we have known each other.

I am blessed that she entered my life, and I’ll be damned if I let this too slip!

J, I know you will likely read this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know I have told you that before, but you have no idea how strongly and deeply I mean that.