I am Jack’s overwhelming sense of frustration
Fuck trying to be positive.. And yes, I started this entry out with the word fuck. Trust me, it sets the EXACT tone.
For the first time… umm…. EVER I don’t like school. I don’t care about my grades. I have missed more classes this semester than I missed all last year. (granted, it’s still only a handful, but that’s allot for me) I’ve pretty much given up on the 4.0 for my entire college career goal. I think I’m around 3.9 something for this semester (which still have 2 months to go), but I am at the point where a B will do.
I am tired.
My “baby sister” is one of the biggest monsters I have ever encountered. She runs hot and cold and changes on a dime. I honestly think there is a good possibility she is bi-polar, but the doctors disagree with that and I would have to go with their judgement. She is lazy, disrespectful, bossy, arrogant, rude, and foul-mouthed. When she is in a bad mood, she takes it out on my FOUR YEAR OLD!!! That is simply not right. She is coddled by my parents as if she were a baby… they give in to her to “shut her up” but they apparently don’t realize that they are doing her more harm than good. Considering that I was abused (in several ways) from age 3 to 15 when I left their home, I have NO idea who these people are posing as my parents that held their first child to near-unacheivable standards, yet allows their third child to talk back, do whatever she wants, and act like a spoiled brat. It is literally two different worlds… I just can’t wrap my head around it. Don’t get me wrong, no matter how awful she acts I wouldn’t wish my childhood on her.. I just think it would be nice if they could find a happy medium instead of bouncing from one extreme to another.
I am fed up.
The housing market is ridiculous right now. Going back a bit, we had to leave our duplex on the fly since it decided to “rain” in our living room. We can’t find an apartment to rent without having to get rid of our dog, and she is a family member. (so that’s a no-go) We qualify to buy a house, but seems like we have to chose between a shitty teeny tiny house on a half-way decent part of town, or a OK house in the shitty part of town. I also didn’t realize how “ruined” our used-to-be-little town has become until we started this! We were all set to go with a decent house in a decent part of town that just needed some love and elbow grease, but of course that had to fall through.
I am out of luck.
I feel like hell all of the time! I am so stressed that even on the new meds my lovely Dr. put me on, my tension headaches are back with a vengence. I have had a cold-like thing for about 2 weeks and I don’t see it letting up anytime soon. The stress and frustration (plus mounds of homework) have got me running on 4-5 hours of sleep… and I am one of those people who NEEDS their full 8. Everything hurts, my eyes won’t focus, my hands are shaking, and my temperment? Well… just ask Daddy. It’s not so good.
I am weak.
Daddy is on second shift again and working overtime to help build up a down payment in case we EVER find a livable house. For some reason, when he is on first he helps so much with chores. On second, he sleeps really late and doesn’t do anything during the day. I am back to doing ALL the housework, all of the childcare, all of the pick-ups and drop-offs, all of the money management, and all of the dog’s needs… and this is on top of 3-6 hours of homework per night, full time class schedule, and work. Oh yeah.. and work is tons of fun too! Last time I was there it was less than 40 degrees in the building and I sat there with two coats on sniffling cold all day.
I am exhausted. I am cold. I am lonely. I am stressed. I am angry. I am out of time…
I am Jack’s overwhelming sense of frustration.
all you can do is try
Wow.. I haven’t written a post in a loooong time! School is busy.. it makes me absolutely crazy! I typically like school, but this semester I am HATING it. I’m usually that obnoxious student who goes the “extra mile”, studies for days for a simple test, spends all of her lunch break doing homework… but lately I don’t really give a damn. I’ve actually found myself surfing Etsy for wedding stuff while my instructor is lecturing. Part of me is worried about maintaining my perfect score, and the other part of me just want to get it over with already!!!
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I cannot stay with my family anymore. Daddy is going back to 2nd shift after the whole 3 weeks they allowed him to be on 1st. This may not seem like a big deal, but without Daddy here my nights turn to hell. Even if we are not in the same room, doing the same things.. just knowing he is in the house and close by eases my mind. When he is not here, I get NO rest from my family, dear daughter, or the puppy. It’s impossible to get through my massive piles of homework when I have to take on everything on my own. Not only is it harder for me to accomplish my long “to do” lists when he is not here, but I get so depressed without him.
When he first got this job and went on 2nd shift, I didn’t think it would be too bad. I was lonely, but I also enjoyed the alone time. Then the lonliness caught up to me and I ended up sitting near the door crying every night. So Daddy bought me a puppy. That helped for a bit and kept me busy, but then when the house fell apart around us and we had to move in with family last-minute, it all got to be too much for me.
It may seem like I’m a big whiny baby, and maybe I am, but this is harder for me than it may be for others. I have been through alot in life, and many of those things I didn’t think I would ever be able to handle. When the time came, I just “did it” and got through one way or the other. But with this it is so daunting. It’s every damn day! Then the weekends with him are just a tease because I know in a day or two I will be back to pacing the floors, soaking my shirt with black teardrops, getting fat on chips and candy trying to quiet my screaming lonliness and supress the urge to drive down there and beg him on my knees to quit that fucking job!!!!
Gah.. I’ve been depressed just thinking about it. He announced the switch to me the other day when I was wrapping up my day at work. I honestly think my heart stopped for a minute. Either that or it sent the signal for my stomach to tie itself in a giant knot.. all I know is I was sad and I FELT it. Not feeling as in emotion, it was very much physical. And that heaviness hasn’t really left.
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I know that I am a fortunate person when you look into the REALLY important feelings in my life, but the lack of the little things are killing me. I have been blessed with an amazing and beautiful daughter, my Daddy loves me unconditionally, most of my family is supportive and loving, I have enough food to eat, a roof over my head, a car to drive, and decent health.. I should be happy, shouldn’t I?
But of course I am not. Sometimes I get the feeling that nothing will ever fill the emptiness that creeps in. I hope it will… and I am honestly working toward getting there. In my mind, I hope that a house and two nice cars, another child, and a good job will make me feel worthy. I hope that an orderly, less hectic life will center me. I hope that a bigger number on my bank receipt or fewer digits on the bathroom scale will make me smile…. and mean it.
But I really don’t know. I’m much better off than I was 6 years ago, but I still don’t feel *happy*. I have love.. a real and healthy love… but I still don’t feel *whole*. I am in college, working toward a future I can be more proud of .. but I still feel like a complete loser.
It seems like bad people are being rewarded and the people who put in the hard work to do things the *right* way are suffering. And the future doesn’t look any more promising. Why have another child when the economy is going down the drain? Why buy a house when we may be out of jobs in a few years? Why work to bring ourselves into the Middle Class when Republicans are trying to exterminate it?? Why work so hard in college when half the grads with 4 year degrees I know are working at Staples or waiting tables???
Why try when everything sucks?
Because we have to… it’s all we have… to try
The opposite of Norm
My “norm” is chaos! It has been for a long time now. School, parenting, D/s, work, family… it all adds up and makes life very hectic. It’s normal for me to feel like I am losing my mind. It’s normal for me to be perpetually upset. Problems are VERY normal!
But lately, it’s been the opposite of the “norm” around here. Daddy is home with me, my daughter had a fantastic week and weekend, my usually-pain-in-the-rear sister was a HUGE help all weekend, I’m rested, no headaches, less homework….. things are going .. WELL!
It’s strange really. Don’t get me wrong, of course I am absolutely thrilled with all this. It’s just odd for me. I feel like with everything running rather smoothly, there is nothing to talk about, worry about, or get excited over. It’s been a rather nice vacation from the usual.
With things running more smoothly, I’ve had some time to get plans underway. I’ve got the contract for the place our wedding and reception will be held. I can’t believe we’ll be able to afford such a GORGEOUS place!! My dress is all planned out, colors are chosen, date is set, and the guest list is nearly complete!
All the wedding planning got us talking a bit. We had previously discussed going to pre-marital counseling… mostly because of Daddy’s inexperience in relationships and my fears and hesistations brought on by my own previous bad marriage and divorce. Daddy has decided he doesn’t think that would work for us. He’s afraid we won’t be able to be as honest as we would like because of our Dynamic. I wasn’t able to find any “kink friendly” therapists in our area. Our best bet seems to be for me to go alone to talk about and possibly work on any of the “hang ups” I have about marriage.
We discussed our fears, expectations, and feelings about the fact that we have only 11 months to go until we are married. After being engaged for over 2 years, you’d think we would have gone over this before! I guess it really just didn’t seem real until that date was printed out on the contract. I am sooo glad that we had that chat. I told Daddy about the things I was concerned about.. and he told me the only thing that made him nervous was he worried that things would change after the rings went on. That just so happened to be my greatest concern too! I’ve seen it happen too many times to too many people. They get married thinking that things with their relationship will improve OR never change. That is just not reality.
Times change, people change. As we age, our likes and dislikes change a bit. Our personalities sometimes even bend. Our goals change with our careers and lifestyles. It’s unrealistic to believe that a ring and a peice of paper will “fix” any problem, and it’s also realistic to believe that the person you are with will remain exactly the same forever. We talked about all this and how we feel about it, and I think we are very close to being on the same page.
I told him about the things I worried about. How I was worried he would stop helping out around the house as much as he does. How I was worried he would get “bored” with me and want to experience another woman. How I was concerned about having another child and how that would affect his relationship with Princess. We discussed my exhusband and the fact that until Princess is 18 (and possibly even after) he will be either in our lifes or there will always be that possibility.
After that talk, many of my anxieties about life after the wedding are at least a bit less vivid. I feel allot more comfortable getting some things off my chest. The major benefit was that I was again reassured that no matter what our Dynamic may be, I am always encouraged to talk about ANYTHING that I am concerned about and Daddy will do His best to make sure we talk through it and take any steps that need to be taken so we both feel comfortable.
I know things will not always be perfect, but given our past, present, and what I can guess about our future, I believe we will be able to survive anything with a little honesty, patience, and love.
One thing we easily agree on is that our post-D/s life is much MUCH better than our pre-D/s life and that this dynamic works wonderfully for us! The only concern Daddy pointed out was that he would like me to continue working on Respect. Showing Him my respect is one thing that is very important to him and I am NOT to lose a single bit of that before, during, or after the wedding.
The sting of the little things
Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 25 now! I suppose it’s the last significant birthday other than the 10’s (30, 40, 50, etc). Because Daddy just bought me a new car, I didn’t feel that he should do or give me anything else.
But, of course, he did! He spoils me so bad sometimes 
I went to school as usual. I brought cupcakes for the girls that share my major (there’s only 8 of us plus our advisor/teacher). It was a nice semi-relaxing day. My parents offered to watch Princess that evening, so Daddy and I got to have a nice quiet dinner alone. Then Daddy took me shopping and bought me some sunglasses and a few shirts. (which I STILL feel extremely guilty about)
The best part was the sweetest little card Daddy got me. It nearly made me cry when I read it. He left it at the foot of the bed for me to find when I got home and the envelope was marked “To the Love of my Life” (awwww, I’m a sucker for the gushy stuff!). Oh and of course the fact that Daddy was actually HOME with me was perfect!! Other than now waking up early, he is liking being back on first shift.
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The only part about the day that bothered me, and I feel ashamed admitting this, is this was the first year since I met him that my Ex didn’t call, text, or email me on my birthday. He’s never forgot or let it go before. Even if we weren’t speaking at the time, he’s at least texted me or emailed a simple line.
It really shouldn’t bother me considering that I am happy with Daddy, and the Ex and I don’t even talk anymore! That was also my decision. I finally decided a while back that I would only speak to him about “our” daughter.. and that we didn’t need to speak as friends anymore. So really, this is what I wanted at the time.
The funny thing about it is it didn’t bother me yesterday. I didn’t even realize he hadn’t called until today. I was at school, taking a bathroom break from some tedious busy work, and I ended up walking down the hall behind one of several kids that reminds me so much of the Ex. Unfortunetly, this was the one of the bunch that looks JUST like him. So much so that the first time I ran into this boy, I nearly tripped over my own feet in shock because I really truly thought it WAS the Ex. Today, he stepped in front of me and slowly meandered on with his tight vintage jeans, well-worn tee, untied sneakers, and mismatched cap. He even wore a leather band around his wrist shockingly similiar to the one the Ex has had for so many years… It was when he stepped in front of me that my heart skipped a beat or two and I suddenly realized Ex had missed my special day. A ball of thick cotton formed in my throat and that hot whelling of tears brewed behind my eyes. I had to nearly run the rest of the way to the bathroom to keep from wailing out in a fit of tears right there in the Caf.
I know he was my first true love, the father of my daughter, my VERY best friend for many years, and my first husband. I had truly believed we would be together forever. I’m not dwelling on the past and I wouldn’t change a SINGLE thing about life the way it is now. I guess it just still holds a bit of a sting when I realize the little things that will never be the same again.
The only remorse I have over my short marriage and unexpected divorce is the death of the Dream.
Daddy’s true colors
I fell in love all over again with Daddy last night!
Because we were busy signing papers and getting things in order with the new car, we missed a good chunk of the things on our “to do” list yesterday. One of those things was a baby’s 1st birthday party. It was from 1 to 5, and by the time we got there it was already 4 and most guests were gone already. Daddy felt bad (and so did I) so we agreed to come over to our friend J’s house later that night and hang out with everyone we had missed by being late.
We get there around 9 PM or so, and there are quite a few people there. The mom of the birthday baby, J’s sister T, had a new boyfriend there with her. Apparently, he is from out of state and has no job. They met over the internet and she bought him a bus ticket here and back so he could visit her. That already didn’t look good…
We got to talking with everyone and this guy, we’ll call him Chase, kept making really odd and out of place comments. At one point, he picked up a poker from the fire and was whipping it around like a kid would with a toy light saber or something. Wierd… Our friend J said he had been like that all day and just plain wouldn’t shut up. He butted into people’s private conversations and said the most inappropriate off-the-wall stuff!
T and Chase were already telling each other they loved each other and talking very openly about sex… and this is in front of T’s brothers and mom!! All seemed fine, other than being a tad uncomfortable, until T wanted to go home. She secured a ride for her and Chase, and motioned for him to come with her. He just looked at her with this pissed-off stare and ignored her.
“C’mon. Let’s go. I got us a ride” she said to him.
Apparently, that seemingly innocent call was threatening to Chase. He started yelling at her that he wasn’t her “bitch” and would not “come when called like a dog”. He threw a hissy-fit and freaked out on T for at least 20 minutes. Finally, T went with her uncle for a bit and we were all stuck with Chase. The annoying comments and strange behavior kept up. We left the bonfire to go inside to get away from him for a bit. One by one, other guests were coming inside all shaking their heads and expressing their annoyance with this kid.
The two final straws came close together. I could tell Daddy’s anger was brewing after Chase made that scene with T about leaving. Shortly after, he sat down with T’s mom and began explaining why he yelled at her and saying disrespectful things about T, mentioned their “sex life”, and kept repeating that he loved her but he was going to be the one in control.
Daddy was clenching his fists at this point.
As our friend from Mexico and J came back to the fire, Chase shot off two off-color comments. The first was something about “jumping the border fence” to our imigrant friend who is working toward citizenship right now. The second was making fun of J who had just had surgery.
That was it! Chase said something about not taking him seriously when everyone got quiet after his last 2 rude comments. Daddy stood up and got withing about a foot of Chase’s face. He raised his voice and told him that if he didn’t want to piss people off, he’d better “shut his fucking mouth right now”! He went on to tell Chase that if he EVER heard him talk like that to T, their mom, or any of this friends again that Chase had better start running because Daddy wouldn’t be far behind!!
It was a bit silly that it had to come to that, but Daddy had only said what everyone else was thinking. Daddy and J grew up together and they are like family. Daddy thinks of T as a sister and he wasn’t about to let anyone disrespect her or “mom” in front of him. After that, the kid didn’t open his mouth to anyone but T the rest of the night. They left shortly after.
It was soooo incredibly sexy to see my Daddy show his Dominance and dedication to friends and family. He stood up and did what everyone there had wanted to do, but didn’t have the “guts” for. It was amazing…
Afterward, I gave him a huge hug and whispered in his ear how proud of him I was. I later told him when we were in the car alone that if it was possible, I now loved him even more than before. I told him he was a strong man and how impressed I was at his growth. When we met, he was strong.. but he held that strength inside and often let people walk all over him. Since we have started developing a D/s dynamic, Daddy has felt encouraged and safe to express himself and his strong side. It’s refreshing to see that he is no longer afraid of standing up for himself or the people he loves.
News!
After finishing my delicious grocery store Chinese lunch, I cracked open my fortune cookie.
“Good things are soon to be coming your way”, it read.
Damn right fortune cookie!!
I have 2 peices of good news. First, the second best… I have a new car! Daddy’s car broke down and he decided that since I do way more driving than he does, he would buy me a new car and take my old “banana boat”. So a bit of an early Happy Birthday to Me!! I am now the very proud owner of a white ‘07 Kia Optima LT! Daddy picked a good one for me.. it’s girly to the core! heehee – it even has a “purse hook”. Niiiiiice! OH and the best part is a 5 year warranty so we won’t run into trouble again and go broke fixing it. We had Daddy’s car for only 10 months and it went to shit.
And the best news of all…..
….. drumroll please ……
DADDY WILL BE ON FIRST SHIFT STARTING MONDAY!!! What a fantastic b-day present!!
I am so unbelievably happy about that simple little shift change! He will be losing 30 cents an hour, but as my darling Chessa has said, the money is less important than our happyness. And my happyness wasn’t always exactly present while I’ve been dealing with this shift change crap!
So weeee. No more juggling kid, dog, homework, and housework all alone! No more lonely evenings. No more going nearly 48 hours without seeing my Love. No more waiting up for him only to end up with 5 hours of sleep and hellish classes the next day.
Phew…
I would like to know why
So, supposedly the reason behind going to war in Iraq was to prevent things like 9/11 from happening. Over 2,000 people died that day, and yes it was a horrible tragedy. I remember that day better than I remember all my homecomings and proms…
But, the death toll for AMERICANS that have died fighting ‘Nam II has now reached well over 4,000. That is just Americans.. that doesn’t count the infinate number of helpless, innocent women and CHILDREN that have died in Iraq for simply being born in the wrong country and culture.
So if preventing more deaths was the idea… well that one didn’t really pan out.
And if trying to force other countries to “respect” the US was the point… well now they just hate us even more!
Seems that all this has done NO good and ALL harm. I realize it’s not something that can happen tomorrow, but we really all need to pull together as a country and stand up for the ones who either can’t stand up for themselves or buy so far into the bullshit brainwashing they will believe whatever the government tells us to.
Vote
Protest
Speak out
Rally together
Give peace a chance! – Seriously though… where are our John Lennons and MLKs of 2008? If they are out there, we need them now.
Please… do something, ANYTHING to help put the wheels in motion that will eventually end this endless war.
Waiting..
I’m waiting up for Daddy to come home.. I have missed him WAY too much lately and even though I have to work tomorrow I am determined to get some alone time with him tonight.
I skipped a class today.. To those that know me, that is kind of a little shocker! I got up at 6 and went to my first class; Comp II. Composition is so NOT stressful, and I had to hand in my Peer Reviews and go over people’s papers with them. So I felt guilty not going to that one. Especially after my instructor kept me after class last time and talked to me about how “impressed” he was. I didn’t want to make him sorry for saying that.
So, I went. I got to help the lady from Namibia re-do her paper and heard comments on my “Jesus and John Lennon” paper. It went well and I left feeling good about things..
The class I skipped was supposed to come after that – Advanced Coding, ICD-9CM – NOT fun and very stressful. I really needed a break from the awful coding classes that seem to drone on and on and on and on… Anyway, I have been getting 5-6 hours a sleep each night (when I am used to 7-8) and I’ve been doing an average of 6 hours of homework a night. This is in addition to potty training my dog, taking care of my daughter by myself, and running her to dance and preschool and tumbling… I was exhausted. So class got out at 9:30 AM and I came home and climbed back into bed. Daddy was SO happy to see me home unexpectedly and snuggled me to sleep. I woke up shortly before it was time to pick Princess up from daycare, feeling a heck of a lot more rested and happy!
But, sadly that was not enough. A few stolen hours of snuggling and a quick sub lunch just wasn’t enough time with my Daddy. I miss him like crazy and I feel like we never see each other. It doesn’t even feel like we live together when we are on such completely different schedules! And it’s not like we’re in that honeymoon phase where we have the butterflies and need to be together 24/7, but I still have this need that just rips at me if I don’t have enough time with him.
He called me on his lunch break like he always does. I was unfortunetly away from my phone, looking up car reviews. (He’s buying me a new car this weekend!!) So I missed his call. He did leave a message and said that he has “news” for me. Since this “news” popped up while he was at work, I am REALLY hoping (all fingers, toes, and otherwise crossed) that it means he’s getting on a different shift.
Oh please, oh please, oh puleeeeeze!
The good, the bad, and the superbad
To start out on a positive note, I finally decided to take the advice of many of my oh-so-wise friends and give talking a chance. At this point, I am very glad I did. We ended up having several talks, and I made sure to tell him EXACTLY how I felt about him staying out all hours and what I assumed and was concerned about.
So finally I broke down. He had thought the whole time (nearly 3 days of me not talking to him) that I was simply upset that he had been out so late. He had no idea was I had expected and worried had happened. When I told him what I was worried about, he took me into his arms and held me so tight. He asked me to look him in the eye and told me that would NEVER happen. He offered to call all of the people he had been there with that night and talk to them on speakphone about it to ease my mind. Something in the way he was speaking and his absolute lack of excuses made that I-just-know-he-cheated feeling leave the pit of my stomach. I started feeling better. I told him no, I didn’t need to talk to his friends.
I still had a few doubts about the things that were odd to me. I asked him very specific questions and even though I could tell he felt bad admitting to some things, he did so openly. I was careful not to chastize him too hard since he seemed to be very forthcoming and honest with me. I asked him about not showering, the missing text message, why he had no phone calls on his phone from that night… everything he said made complete sense. It now seems I was reading wayyyy too far into things.
I told him even though I felt I could believe him, for my own peace of mind I was going to check the cell phone records from that day and the past month or so. I told him as kind of a test to see how he would react. He didn’t get upset, didn’t act like I was invading his privacy… he simply told me I had nothing to worry about – BUT if I felt it would ease my mind to go ahead and go through anything I felt neccesary and he would tell me who the number was and even call them on speaker so I could be sure he wasn’t lying. He has been very willing to let me check out any and all of what he told me. He said it wouldn’t bother him at all for me to check his phone records… he had nothing to hide.
Comparing this behaviour to the way he was when I actually did catch him cheating way back in the beginining, I could tell this time he wasn’t making a million excuses, downplaying his actions, or trying to cover things up. He wasn;t gettting defensive in the least. I have cheated and I have been cheated on. I know the pattern and the behaviors that come out when someone gets caught. I saw none of them from him.
We did agree that 2:30 was a reasonable time for him to be home from now on. If he will be late, he will call or text me. Though, he promised to try very hard to stick with that time and never come home aroung 5 am again!! Seeing as he doesnt’ get off work until 11:30 pm, and the bars close at 2 am, we thought 2:30 was an agreeable time.
For now, we aren’t moving too quickly with the wedding planning. There are obviously trust issues that need to be sorted out before making such a huge commitment. I can’t go my whole marriage with these horrible twinges of doubt everytime something happens out of the ordinary. Hunny understands this completely and has said that he is open to pre-marital counseling so we can get a professional opinion about if our relationship is ready for the big plunge or not. I think alot of this has to do with my getting burned so bad in my first marriage and my fear of history repeating itself!
Thank you all for listening and giving your feedback. I am not a stupid girl and would not stay with a cheater or trick myself into believing he’s changed if he really didn’t. Please feel confident in my ability to read my Man. I will likely still check out the phone reports… if for nothing else but to give myself 100% peace of mind.
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And now, the bad… and the superbad. Daddy’s car is useless.. It had been overheating so he took it to the local Midas to get fixed. $560 later he came home with a car that seemed to be working. In a short (about 5 mile) trip to his sister’s house, it overheated twice. We took it back to Midas and they “fixed” it again. This time, it didn’t even make it home. Whatever they did seemed to mess it up more. Now, everyone is pretty convinced it is a head gasket, which basically means we either go in debt fixing the damn thing (right this time, no more Midas) or we have to buy a new car. This $5,000 car was not the best of course, but it only lasted about 10 months!! That is ridiculous. My $600 hunk-a-junk has lasted nearly 2 years now!! And it’s still going strong.
So we have to buy a new car. Kind of a “yay”, but not really considering that we are supposed to be saving up for a house and wedding. I don’t know how we are supposed to be putting the money away that we need to be when everything keeps falling apart on us! First the house and now the car…
Oh, and my table too! Daddy decided he wasn’t going to wait for me to go through our things in storage. He was so proud of himself that he found what we all were needing and condensed the amount of space the boxes and furniture took up. I was proud of him too… until I saw what he did! He did NOT get anything out that we needed - I needed Princess’s new winter clothes and he got out last years too small clothes, I needed my nail polish so it won’t freeze and he got out a bag of acrylic powder and files, I needed coats and boots and mittens and he got out a few hoodies – and on top of forgetting nearly everything we needed out, he piled a HUGE amount of crap on top of my GLASS kitchen table and the poor thing shattered under the weight.
So now we no longer have a house, a car, or a kitchen table…. whats next?
I swear sometimes I must have been a serial killer in a past life.. I seem to be paying for some awful crime I don’t remember committing! My Karma just sucks.. plain and simple. There is no other way to put it.
Also, I am completely bogged down with homework. We were warned by our counselor and teacher, as well as last year’s graduating class, that this semester would be the worse of our college careers. I assumed it would be harder and busier, but I had no idea what I was truly in store for. I NEVER skip classes and I OBSESS about my grades… well 3 weeks into this semester I already want to hide under my covers and ignore my mounds of homework!
I am buuuuuurned out.
Oh FUCK…
He bought me flowers… really pretty roses.
I am in trouble.. big time. This is only the third time he’s gotten me flowers. The other two were for an anniversary and valentines. He’s not a flower-giver. So these are seeming to be sorry-I-really-fucked-up-bad flowers. He wouldn’t go that far out of his way just because he was out late.
Something is up… and I don’t know what.
Everyone has said “talk to him”. Well I can’t.. I tried a few times, but the minute I look at him I get this sick feeling in my stomach – like the knowing will be worse than not – and I just can’t. In fact I think I have said maybe a dozen words to him in the past two days and those were spoken only to answer something he asked me.
This could be all me reading too deeply into things. This could be simple paranoia. This could all be one big misunderstanding and I am driving myself crazy for no reason.
BUT, just the fact that it is bothering me this badly speaks volumes to me. I’ve decided to postpone all wedding planning for the time being. If the dress is a loss… oh well. It can be a crazy expensive Halloween costume or something… but I’m not paying deposits for anything else or making any new arrangements.
I just don’t know if we are going to work out. I love this man more than I can possibly express in words. He is “daddy” to my daughter (been with me since she turned one), everything to me, and a friend to nearly all of my family. Even my sister who is convinced all men are cheating scum told me, “I just couldn’t see (him) doing that to you! I think it’s a misunderstanding.”. And she could very easily be right. But how am I supposed to live a happy life and maintain a healthy D/s dynamic, let alone marriage, with such a striking lack of trust?? If I get sick for days and can’t sleep when he is out too late without calling, what is the rest of my life going to be like? Will I be questioning his every move? Will I drive myself insane with all the unanswered questions and suspicions? Will I drive HIM insane with all the seemingly unfounded doubt and accusations?!?!?
I want to marry him… I want to make this work… I really just want to be His girl – happily.
I really just want to be able to TRUST!
… but I don’t (and I don’t even know if I can anymore)
